Chapter Twenty is Very, Very Good

Thursday, June Sixteenth, Just Before the Lunchtime Feast, Walli-Wo island time

Alex and Bruce were both feeling pretty rough after second breakfast.  However, they’d both learned an important lesson about the fine art of feasting on Walli-Wo.

Gertrude had woken Alex about fifteen minutes before second breakfast was set to begin, so he could freshen himself up.  He took the opportunity to put on the dress blues he’d been given.  Since there were no shoes to match, he had to decide between going barefoot and wearing the bunny slippers.  After a moment’s consideration, he decided that the slippers were better than possibly picking up some kind of parasite he wasn’t sure existed by walking around barefoot. 

He emerged from his bedroom at almost the same moment Bruce came out of his own bedroom.

“Hey Bruce,” Alex said.  “Did Gertrude wake you up too?”

“Who is Gertrude, Mr. Minor?” Bruce said.  He glanced down at Alex’s slippers, but said nothing.

“You know, the friendly woman who is apparently here to help us out?” Alex said.

“Apparently, I have a friendly local of my own,” Bruce said.  “A guy named Dylan”

“Dylan?” Alex said. 

“That’s what he said,” Bruce said. “Seems like a nice guy, though being woken up by two loud hand claps and a war whoop was a surprise.”

“I know what you mean,” Alex said.  He decided it’d be best not to describe to Bruce how Gertrude had woken him up: by gently rubbing his back with one hand and ringing a softly chiming bell with the other hand.

Harry had been waiting for them just outside, and led them to the great hall again, where all of the islanders were gathering again.

“Do you take all of your meals together as a group?” Bruce asked Harry as they walked.

“Oh yes.  Well, of course, sometimes we have snacks on our own,” Harry said.  “But for the five main meals of the day we always gather.”

During second breakfast, Alex and Bruce were barely able to take a bite of everything on their plates before they both had to stop eating for fear of becoming ill.

Alex figured it would be poor form to blow chunks in front of King Lemmy.

But here is where they learned the important lesson.  King Lemmy was happy to see them enjoying themselves, but didn’t seem to mind that they hadn’t eaten much of what was on their plate.  And no one else had surprised them with more food, or even offered.

The key, apparently, was to not clean their plate.

King Lemmy had come to second breakfast after everyone had already been served.  As such, he hadn’t seen Alex’s slippers until after second breakfast was finished.  He’d told Alex and Bruce to wait outside the great hall for him.

The two of them stood awkwardly outside and smiled and nodded at all of the islanders as they passed by.  After some time, King Lemmy and Harry approached them.

King Lemmy had looked Alex up and down, and laughed uproariously. 

“Not only are you a great hero,” King Lemmy said, “But a natural comedian as well!  Thank you for bringing a measure of levity to Walli-Wo as well.”

Alex was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say for a moment.  Eventually, his brain kicked in again and he said, “I’m glad I can help.”

“Come with me, I want to introduce you to my people,” King Lemmy said, and led them away from the great hall.

Alex felt very self-conscious as everyone on the island openly stared at them as they walked with King Lemmy.  At least everyone seemed friendly and merely curious.  He’d been in other places before where being stared at by everyone had been a very, very bad thing.

King Lemmy led them into another modern building nearby.  It had an ornate plaque over the front door which read, “Walli-Wo International Bank.”

The interior was every inch an upscale bank.  The floor was made of marble, and the walls were lined with dark wood.  There was a small counter with a sign over it that read “Teller.”  There was no one working at it at the moment, but then, there didn’t appear to be any customers in the bank at the moment either.  There were, however, at least eight heavy, dark wooden desks with bankers in sport coats and ties, and many of them were on the phone.

King Lemmy led them past the bankers (all of whom looked up and smiled as they walked by) and into an office in the back.  There was a woman working at another, even larger, wooden desk.  She looked up and smiled as they walked in.

King Lemmy said, “Please let me introduce you to Helga.  She is the greatest financial mind of Walli-Wo, and brilliant bank manager, and my good friend.”

“It’s great to meet you,” Alex said.

From there, King Lemmy introduced them to each of the bankers as they got off the phone.  All of them seemed thrilled to see King Lemmy and to meet Alex and Bruce.  Each of them were introduced as the greatest lead salesman, greatest customer service manager, greatest loan processor, and so on, of Walli-Wo, in addition to being King Lemmy’s good friends.

After meeting everyone in the bank, King Lemmy told Alex that their international banking business ensured that everyone on Walli-Wo wanted for nothing. 

“Who are your customers?” Alex had asked.

“Very rich people and corporations who don’t trust the Swiss,” King Lemmy said, and laughed his huge laugh.

He led them to a nearby house, and knocked on the door.  A woman opened the door, and smiled widely.

“Hello King Lemmy!” she said.

Alex marveled at the fact that no one, so far, seemed to be using fake customer service smiles.  They genuinely seemed happy to see King Lemmy, as well as him and Bruce. 

“Hello Samantha!” King Lemmy said. 

He turned to Alex and Bruce and said, “This is Samantha, she is the greatest pork roast chef and international shipping specialist of Walli-Wo, and my good friend!”

Alex was also impressed that King Lemmy appeared to genuinely mean everything he said about everyone he introduced to them.

“International shipping?” Alex said.

“And amazing pork roasts!” King Lemmy said.  “To die for.”

“What kind of stuff do you import and export?” Alex said.

“Mostly I handle the flat pack furniture shipments, but also the construction materials and other business equipment.  Things like that,” Samantha said.

“Flat pack furniture?  Do you manufacture furniture here?” Alex said, and glanced at Bruce.  He hadn’t noticed any flat pack furniture yet on Walli-Wo.

“Oh, no,” Samantha said.  “King Lemmy is too modest to tell you, but he orders flat pack furniture and assembles it, then ships it to those less fortunate around the world already assembled.  He heard that assembling furniture is difficult, and felt that people who are in need of furniture shouldn’t have to assemble it themselves as well.  Their lives are already difficult.”

King Lemmy laughed and waved his hands to dismiss it as nothing. 

“It is a small hobby of mine,” he said.

Alex thought that was an oddly sweet hobby.

“I’m sure you are the best assembler of flat pack furniture on Walli-Wo,” Alex said.

King Lemmy looked taken aback, and then laughed and said, “I am a very good assembler of flat pack furniture, but no, I shall introduce you shortly to Sven, the best assembler of flat pack furniture on Walli-Wo.  Sven is a very good friend of mine, you know…” 

He led Alex and Bruce around the island for the rest of the morning, introducing them to absolutely every person.  All of them were introduced fondly as the greatest whatever-they-did on Walli-Wo, and King Lemmy’s good friend.  Alex had no doubt that King Lemmy meant what he’d said, and found himself starting to really like King Lemmy.  Everyone who lived on the island seemed to adore King Lemmy too.  Alex had been expecting to see some quick, nervous smiles like he’d usually see when getting introduced to employees by a CEO.  Instead, everyone seemed content to simply hang out and chat with King Lemmy for as long as he cared to chat.

After they’d met everyone and toured the entire island, (which didn’t take long.  Walli-Wo was a very small island.) King Lemmy said, “Come with me back to my home.  We have much to discuss!”

As they walked Alex said to King Lemmy, “It seems like everyone here thinks very highly of you, King Lemmy.”

King Lemmy stopped walking, turned and smiled.  “And I think very highly of them also!  Would you like to know my secret to making so many friends?”

Alex was all ears.  “Yes, of course,” Alex said.

King Lemmy leaned in close, and whispered, “I know the name of everyone on the island, and as I have gotten to know them, I have learned what they are the best at.  Then I tell them the truth: that they are the best on Walli-Wo at what they are the best at, and that they are my good friend.  I love all of my people here on Walli-Wo.”

Alex had to admit, King Lemmy’s method seemed to work.  Telling people how good they are at what they’re good at and that they are your friend, who’d have thought?

Just then, a bell, somewhere across the island, started to ring.  King Lemmy and Harry both looked puzzled, and turned to look at where the bell was ringing.

“Is this expected?” King Lemmy asked Harry.

“No, King Lemmy,” Harry said.

Alex and Bruce exchanged a glance as well.

Bruce said, “What does that bell mean?”

Harry turned and said, “It is the bell that announces an incoming ship.”

“Don’t you get a lot of ships?” Alex said, thinking of Samantha the shipping specialist.

“No, Mr. Minor,” Harry said.  “Only one ship arrives each month, and it had already come and gone for this month.”

The bell started ringing again.

King Lemmy and Harry gave each other an uneasy look, and King Lemmy strode powerfully away, toward the sound of the bell, without another word, leaving Alex and Bruce with Harry.

“What’s going on?” Alex said.  “Why did King Lemmy hurry off like that?  They’re just boats, right?”

The bell started to ring some more.

Harry looked gravely at Alex and said, “We are a very small island, and we rarely see more than one ship per month.  We never see several ships on the same day.”

“Well, so it’s unusual, but why are you concerned?” Alex said.

Harry took a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment.  When he’d collected himself, he said, “We are a small, rich, island.  And another way of describing several ships is to call it a fleet.  Or, Mr. Minor, you could call it a navy.”

Alex noticed the other islanders seemed to be hurrying into buildings, while others were hustling to where ever it was King Lemmy had run off to.  Alex guessed it was the port of Walli-Wo.

“Are you saying Walli-Wo is being attacked?” Alex said.

Chapter Nineteen is Definitely Today's Best Chapter

Thursday, June Sixteenth, Just After the Morning Feast, Walli-Wo island time

Alex and Bruce hadn’t eaten so well, or so much, in ages.  They were both caught off guard by the hospitality of the islanders. 

In an effort to show their gratitude and enjoyment of the food, Alex and Bruce had both cleaned their plates.  Both of which were promptly filled again before they could even protest.  They’d cleaned their plates again, and this time tried to catch their host before their plates were loaded again, without any luck. 

Alex and Bruce tried their hardest to eat everything they’d been given, but each of them could only physically hold so much food before they couldn’t even force it down any more. 

King Lemmy, Alex noticed, had been observing the two of them as they ate.  When they’d reached the point where they had to set their forks down, he laughed his huge laugh, and said, “Both of you have a hero’s appetite as well!  You must be eager to rest after your travels, I shall have Harry show you to your quarters so you can rest.”

Harry had somehow appeared behind Alex and Bruce without either of them noticing him.  Alex wondered if he had also been the one heaping their plates with food.  He wondered if perhaps Harry was somehow distantly related to Harold as well.  It was a small world, after all.

Note to self, Alex thought, Butlers are made of magic, and also a little unsettling.

“Gentlemen, please come with me,” Harry said, with a small bow.

Alex and Bruce exchanged a quick glance and stood up.

Alex said to King Lemmy, “Thank you so much for your hospitality, King Lemmy.”

“It is my pleasure!  Please let me know if there is anything you require during your time here, and it will be provided for you,” King Lemmy said.  “Now go, go and rest.  You must be exhausted.  The finest heroes’ accommodations on Walli-Wo have been arranged for you.  I look forward to talking with you more later today.”

“Thank you very much,” Alex said.  “We look forward to talking more with you as well.”

He and Bruce followed Harry, who led them out of the hall (they received quite a few enthusiastic pats on the back on their ways past the other islanders).

Alex was taken once again by the juxtaposition of high and low technology on the island.  Clearly, someone was shrewd in business.  He wondered if the low technology stuff like the lean-tos were because the islanders were a little backwards, or if they were deliberately holding on to their roots as well as they could manage while incorporating current tools as well.  If that was the case, Alex thought that was pretty cool.

Before long Harry had led them to their accommodations.  It was another ultra-modern building, a small house that was all right angles, concrete and glass.

“Here is where you’ll be staying, gentlemen,” Harry said. “Should you need anything at all, please simply ring and someone will be with you shortly to assist you.  Second breakfast will start in about two hours, two hours after that, we’ll have a light lunch.  Then in mid-afternoon there will be a tea ceremony.  Tonight’s feast will start somewhat late, so there will be time for a small snack early in the evening.  Please rest, someone will come to bring you for second breakfast.”

Alex had absolutely no idea how to respond.  Neither did Bruce.  Both of them were thinking roughly the same thought, “Second breakfast is a thing?”

Harry turned and walked away.  Alex and Bruce watched him casually saunter off.

“You know,” Alex said once he figured Harry was out of earshot, “He speaks very formally for a guy in shorts and flip-flops.”

“I noticed that too,” Bruce said.  “Let’s get inside and relax.  I really need to sleep.”

The two of them walked into the house, and marveled that such a place existed on an island that was, for all intents and purposes, in the middle of nowhere.

“How the hell did they get an Eames chair here?” Bruce said as they surveyed the great room that the front door of the house opened in to.

“Is that an Andy Warhol on the wall?” Alex said.

The two of them took everything in for a moment, and then Bruce shrugged and said, “Well, if they could afford to hire Darcy Custom Brokers, this stuff is largely chump change.  Let’s get some sleep.”

Alex marveled a bit more before realizing that he could also really use some rest.  The two of them wandered through the house until they found the bedrooms.

“Oh, hey,” Bruce said.  “I’ve got something for you.”

“Really?” Alex said.  He was so surprised he wasn’t sure if he should be suspicious or not.

“Yeah, hang on, let me get it out of my bag,” Bruce said.  He went into one of the bedrooms, and came out carrying what looked like a pile of folded blue fabric.  Handed the pile to Alex.

“What is this?” Alex said. 

“Dress blues,” Bruce said.  “Colonel Klink said he thought they’d probably fit you well enough.”

“Colonel Klink?” Alex said.  A small flash of anger.

“Yeah, he thought you might like these better than the bunny suit, and he figured BDUs would be too informal for meeting with a king,” Bruce said, with a devilish grin.

“…And why didn’t you give these to me before we took off?” Alex said.

“Colonel’s direct orders, Mr. Minor.  He thought it would be funnier if you arrived on Walli-Wo in the bunny suit,” Bruce said.

Alex was too tired, and too full of Walli-Wo delicacies for practical jokes at the moment.  He paused, and tried to collect himself so he didn’t say anything rash.

Deep breath in, deep breath out… Alex thought. When he was ready, he spoke in as calm and soothing a manner as he could manage.

“Please remind me, the next time we see Colonel Klink,“ Alex said, “to kick him as hard as I can right in the stuffed animals.”

Bruce laughed, and said, “Whatever you say, Mr. Minor.  Let’s get some sleep.”

He went into the bedroom he’d picked, and shut the door behind himself.

Alex looked down at the pile of dress blues.  His first thought was, I hope there’s a shirt in here.

His next thought was, I don’t see any shoes in this pile.  Thanks, Colonel Klink.

Alex went into the closest bedroom and shut the door behind him before he looked up and saw what the room looked like.  His jaw dropped.

For all of the minimalistic (if luxurious) simplicity of the great room, this room seemed to be an exercise in maximalist design. The walls were hung with luxurious fabrics.  The furniture was ornate to the point of being baroque.  There was a table laden with fruits and sliced meats, as well as several carafes full of juices that Alex suspected were probably divine if you haven’t already eaten the best part of a horse that morning.  A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, and there were many, many little tchotchkes and ornaments made of gold and colored stones.  It took Alex a moment to realize that the stones were probably actually gemstones.  The bed was also the single biggest bed Alex had ever seen.  He was pretty sure that he and twenty other people could all fit in there without crowding one another.  It had four huge posts carved into totem-like heads, and a canopy made of a velvet that was blue edging on violet.  There was also a thick rope hanging right next to the bed. It was made of golden silk, hanging from a hole in the ceiling just big enough to let the rope pass through.  Vague recollections of a Sherlock Holmes story briefly flitted through Alex’s mind before curiosity got the best of him and he went over to check it out. 

After a brief glance up at the hole the rope went into in the ceiling, Alex grabbed it and gave it a firm yank.

Somewhere, not too far off, a deep, melodious bell rang.

Oh, cool, Alex thought.

He put his new dress blues down on the bed, and laid each item out so he could see what he had. 

There were: one pair of pants with a stripe running down the outside of each leg, a white shirt, a tie, a suit jacket that matched the pants and…

Alex steamed a bit.

…And on the left side of the jacket, where a soldier would display any medals earned, was a great big blue ribbon.  It said, “I pooped in the big potty!” in gold letters.  There was also a teddy bear giving a thumbs up outlined in gold.

 Just then a voice, not Alex’s, said, “How can I assist you?”

Alex looked up from the stupid ribbon, and found himself face to face with a beautiful woman wearing, well, just enough.

“Uh,” Alex said.

The woman smiled gently, and waited for his answer.

After a few seconds, gears started turning.  Hadn’t Harry said something about just ringing if he needed anything?  He realized he’d just rung a bell, and a quick glance didn’t reveal any telephones in the room.

“Um,” Alex said.

“Are you hungry?  Thirsty?  Is there something else I can do for you?” she said.

Alex swallowed hard, and tried to will his brain into coming up with something to say.  It didn’t work.

Finally, he laughed awkwardly and said, “Oh, the bell…  Um… I’m sorry, I don’t really need anything.  I didn’t mean to inconvenience you.”

She looked crestfallen, and nodded.  Alex felt like a real jerk.

Think, damn it, think! Alex ordered himself.  Clearly she felt bad that she couldn’t help him out with something.  There must be something he could ask for that would get them both out of this awkward situation.

“Well, I’ll let you rest,” was what she had been about to see, but Alex interrupted her after she’d said, “Well.”

“You know,” Alex said, “I think I could really use some more pillows.  And towels.  I need a lot of towels.  Could you get those for me?”

She suddenly perked up again, and smiled broadly at him.

Smiles like that will be the end of me, Alex thought.

“Yes, of course, I’ll bring them right away, Mr. Minor,” she said.

Mr. Minor? Alex thought, briefly wondering who she really was before he remembered that he and Bruce were guests of honor.  Of course she knew his name.

“Thank you Miss, umm?” Alex said.

Miss umm blushed and said, “You may call me Gertrude.” 

She then hurried out of the room.  Despite himself, Alex couldn’t help watching as her hips swayed while she walked.

When his brain started working again, he thought, “Gertrude?”

The folks on this island had oddly European names, considering that they were isolated and in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  Alex made a mental note to find out why that was, if he could.

Before long, Gertrude had returned with a stack of towels and pillows that she had somehow managed defy physics in order to balance and carry.

“Mrrflmm mm mmm mrrt meez?” Gertrude said from behind the stack she was carrying.

“Sorry?” Alex said, then thought, she wants to know where to put them.  “Oh, uh, just on the bed is fine, thank you, Gertrude.”

“Mrrfl mm mm,” Gertrude said, then set the stack of towels and pillows down on the bed.  She was slightly flushed, and upon seeing that, Alex decided the best thing to do was to get back to work on getting his new dress blues in order.  First thing to do would be to remove that stupid ribbon.

“Is there anything else you would like, Mr. Minor?” Gertrude said, and smiled widely at Alex.

Derrrrrrp, is what Alex thought.  He managed to collect himself again, after a moment of staring, and said, “No, thank you very much.  I think I need to rest now.”

“Very good, Mr. Minor.  Sleep well.  I will wake you for second breakfast,” Gertrude said.

She walked out of the room and shut the door behind her.

Alex spaced out for a few seconds before an unpleasant thought forced its way into his consciousness  and rudely interrupted other, more blissful, thoughts.

Wake me for second breakfast?  Alex thought.  His stomach, already distended, moaned at him (something Alex hadn’t even been aware it could do).  How am I supposed to graciously eat more?

“Shit,” Alex said.

Chapter Eighteen (And I Like It!)

Thursday, June Sixteenth, Just Before the Morning Feast, Walli-Wo island time

Bruce had been making small talk with King Lemmy while Alex rolled around on the ground until he was finally able to get his feet under him.  Once he was on his feet, Alex clambered back into the plane and grabbed the statue they were there to deliver.

He unwrapped it from the blanket it was wound in, and checked it over to make sure it was still in the same shape it had been in when he left Minneapolis.  Thankfully, it was.

Getting back out of the plane this time, even carrying the statue, was a much more graceful experience for him.

King Lemmy happened to glance away from Bruce, who was explaining the finer points of the fuel storage system in the Cessna and why landing was so much less nerve-wracking than taking off had been in this case, and saw Alex carrying the statue away from the plane.  He face broke into a huge, wide grin, and he walked away from Bruce, who was still mid-sentence about why wingtip auxiliary fuel tanks were preferable to cockpit mounted tanks, and over to Alex.

“You must be Mr. Minor, Mr. Darcy has said you are the best at finding things that are hard to find, and here you are with my great great grandfather!” King Lemmy said.

Alex assumed King Lemmy’s English was somewhat broken, and that he’d just forgotten to say “statue” after “great great grandfather’s.”

“That’s me,” Alex said.  “You’re welcome to just call me Alex, though.”

“Ah! And Alex, you are welcome to call me King Lemmy!” King Lemmy said, and laughed heartily. 

Alex didn’t know why, but he found himself laughing along with King Lemmy almost instantly. 

“I’m glad to meet you, King Lemmy,” Alex said.

King Lemmy took the statue from Alex.  Another one of the islanders stepped forward and reverentially took the statue from King Lemmy almost immediately.  Since he was dressed in a black morning coat, and  grey shorts, Alex assumed he was King Lemmy’s equivalent of a butler.  King Lemmy looked at Alex and gestured to his butler.

“Alex! You must meet Harry, my manservant.  He is the finest butler and valet on Walli-Wo!” King Lemmy said, with tremendous enthusiasm.

Harry smiled widely and nodded at Alex, since his hands were full with the statue at the moment.

“It’s good to meet you too, Harry,” Alex said.  “You know, I lived with a butler named Harold for a while.”

King Lemmy laughed again, shaking his whole body.  “An excellent name for a butler!  Forgive me if I boast, but I expect Harry is an even better butler than your Harold.”

Alex didn’t quite know what to make of that, so he just smiled widely and said, “I’m sure you’re right, although please don’t ever tell Harold I said so.”

More laughter from King Lemmy.  “Should I meet him, it will remain our secret, never fear,” King Lemmy said.

He put a hand in the pocket of his morning coat, and produced an ornate card case, which he opened with a flourish.  With the greatest of care, he removed one of the cards from the case and handed it to Alex.

Baffled, but doing his best to be respectful, Alex took the proffered business card with an equal amount of care and looked at it admiringly.  It was difficult for him to maintain his poker face.  The card read:

King Lemmy

King and Fearless Leader of Walli-Wo

First Astronaut of Walli-Wo to Walk On The Moon

Most Valorous and Daring General of the Army of Walli-Wo

Best Dressed Man of Walli-Wo

President and CEO of Walli-Wo International Bank

Finest Tango Dancer of Walli-Wo

He looked back up at King Lemmy, who was looking at him proudly.

“While you and your pilot, Bruce, are here on Walli-Wo, you are my most honored guests.  Should you require anything, please call upon me,” King Lemmy said.

Alex blinked twice, and said, “Thank you, it’s very gracious of you to say so.”

King Lemmy waved his hand in a comic dismissal, “It is nothing.  You have returned my Great Great Grandfather to me.  But for now, it is time for something to eat to start the day.  Tonight, we shall have a great feast to celebrate the return of my Great Great Grandfather, and to honor his rescuer and brave pilot.”

Alex and Bruce glanced at each other.

“OK, thank you very much,” Alex said, since he couldn’t think of anything else to say in reply.

King Lemmy laughed good naturedly, and Alex found himself starting to really warm to him. 

“Let us breakfast!” King Lemmy shouted.  He turned and started walking away.  Harry waited to follow behind, casually (though reverently) holding the heavy statue as if it was hardly a burden at all.  He gestured to Alex and Bruce with his head that the two of them should follow behind King Lemmy.  They did, and Harry followed close behind them.

The islanders broke into cheers, and started walking en masse behind the four of them. 

Alex had to admit, he probably should have paid closer attention to the packet of information about Walli-Wo that Mr. Darcy had given him.  He’d just kind of skimmed it, to be honest.  Had he read it, he may have been less surprised by the manner of dress of the islanders, and the peculiar combination of primitive and ultra-modern technology on the island.

It was true that the airport seemed to be more of what a bunch of industrious kids with access to a lot of bamboo and palm fronds would build if they wanted to pretend they had an airport.

At the same time, the great island hall, if you wanted to call it such a thing, could have been designed by Frank Llloyd Wright (actually, it had been a student of his), and was built out of completely modern materials.  The houses they passed along the way were relatively small, but also built from modern materials.  There were no cars, however, and domesticated animals and livestock wandered freely around the island.  And there was the occasional lean-to made out of bamboo covering what looked to be relatively current communications and networking equipment.  At the moment, there was a healthy looking pig relaxing in the shade of a lean-to next to what looked to Alex like a modem and wireless router.

There were two islanders acting as doormen at the great hall.  As King Lemmy approached, they pulled open the doors.  Alex couldn’t see who it was, but someone had started ringing what sounded like a large bell at the same time. 

King Lemmy led them into the great hall, where a spectacularly huge assortment of meats, fruits, breads and sweets had been laid out on a table that was easily twenty feet long.  At the far end of the hall was an enormous fireplace.  Great logs had been laid in the fireplace, but they weren’t lit at the moment. 

King Lemmy proceeded to the head of the table, where he stepped up on to a footstool, and waited for everyone to get into the hall.  Alex and Bruce stood next to him, after some prompting by Harry, and they watched as the islanders all came in.  Once everyone was inside, Alex guessed there were probably no more than one hundred people in the hall.

He leaned over to Bruce, and discretely asked, “Is this the entire island in here?”

Apparently, he wasn’t as discrete as he’d thought.

“Yes,” Harry said.

“Wow,” Alex said.  Then, because he didn’t want to be rude, he said, “What a fantastic hall! It’s terrific that you can fit everyone in here at one time.”

Harry beamed at Alex and nodded proudly.  King Lemmy also looked down at Alex from up on his footstool and smiled.

King Lemmy spread his arms and addressed the small crowd, “It is a great day for Walli-Wo!  These two brave heroes have returned my great great grandfather to me!”

The entire crowd broke into cheers and applause.  Bruce and Alex awkwardly smiled and nodded.  Neither of them had been expecting this reception (even Bruce had started to skim the info about Walli-Wo after a point…).

King Lemmy continued, after a suitable pause, “Tonight, we shall have a great feast to recognize and honor our special guests!”

The crowd cheered again.  Alex noticed several pretty women in the group were giving him coy smiles.  He smiled back, at which they’d mostly look away and giggle among themselves.  One of the pretty women batting her eyelashes at him, Alex noticed, was wearing a bright red dress, and an assortment of golden necklaces as well as gold bangles on her wrists.  She had long dark hair, with a red flower tucked behind one ear.  Unlike the others, she did not look away when Alex smiled at her.

It seemed like it was going to be a pretty nice day or two here on Walli-Wo to Alex.

Alex found himself breaking eye contact with the woman in the red dress first.  As it was, he glanced down.

Which is when he realized he was still wearing a pink bunny suit with fuzzy pink bunny slippers.  Only now, the bunny suit was also covered in dust and gravel from when he’d fallen down after getting out of the plane.

Awesome, Alex thought.

When he looked up again, he noticed the woman in the red dress was still giving him a coy smile.  He couldn’t help but smile back, and fell in love a little bit when she giggled while maintaining eye contact with him.

King Lemmy had been talking, but Alex hadn’t caught much of it.  The crowd cheered again, which brought Alex back out of his reverie.

“But for now, let’s eat!” King Lemmy bellowed, and laughed with great apparent pleasure. 

Alex smiled again despite himself. 

First Astronaut of Walli-Wo, huh?  Well, why not?  He throws a mean party, Alex thought.

Chapter Seventeen Rocks One Harder Than Sixteen

Thursday, June Sixteenth, Getting Pretty Close to Sunrise, over the Middle of the Pacific Ocean

Alex wasn’t exactly certain when they had departed from their visit with Colonel Klink and his merry band of misfit soldiers, and he wasn’t exactly certain what time they were finally going to arrive on Walli-wo, but he was exactly certain of how badly he needed to stretch his legs: very, very, very badly.

At the moment, Alex was doing his best to meditate and focus on his breath rather than the pain in his legs at the spots where the Cessna’s seat was digging in to him.

Breathing in, ow, fuck, one…

Breathing out, two…

Breathing in… Who’s idea was this, anyway?

Breathing out… Bruce and his damn hurry, and here I am stuck around 12,000 feet above the ocean in a pink bunny suit after not getting to tour a nuclear silo… Oops…

Breathing in… One…

Breathing Out… Two…

Breathing in… One…

Breathing out… Man, I could go for a beer… Is it too early for beer? 

Breathing in… Ow…

And so on.

Eventually, he noticed that the sun was getting brighter outside.  He was excited to watch the sun rise over the ocean for a few minutes, until he realized that the reason it kept getting brighter and brighter outside without the sun making an appearance on the horizon was because they were flying due west and the sun had risen behind them.

“Pfft… Shit,” Alex said to himself.

“What’s that?” Bruce said.

“Huh?  Oh, nothing.  Talking to myself,” Alex said.  “How long until we get to Walli-Wo?”

“Well, it should be just about any time now.   We’re in the right area, now we just have to spot the island,” Bruce said.

“In this day and age, with GPS and everything else, we have to look for Walli-Wo?  We can’t just follow the magic line on your GPS there right to it?” Alex said.

“Walli-Wo isn’t a big stop for the shipping industry,” Bruce said.  “And it isn’t of much military significance.  The last time it’s location was mapped was well before the kind of accuracy we can get with GPS now.  So the map could be off by a few miles.”

“How high up are we?  Are we going to be able to see it from here?” Alex said.

“We are right about ten thousand feet about sea level at the moment.  Lucky for us, it’s a nice clear morning.  We should be able to spot it without to much difficulty.  Then we’ll just have to scrub off the extra altitude and cruise on in for a landing,” Bruce said.

“OK, cool,” Alex said.  “Can I do anything to help?”

“Look for the island,” Bruce said.

“What does it look like?” Alex said.

“An island.  It’s kind of island-shaped, and mostly island-colored,” Bruce said.

“Well, I don’t want for us to land on the wrong island,” Alex said.

“No worries on that,” Bruce said.  “It must be one hundred miles to the next island in any direction.  That’s how they’ve managed to remain a peaceful island when they’re also one of the richest islands in the Pacific.  They’re going to know we’re coming before we do.  If you spot an island below us, it’s the right one.”

Alex looked down at the ocean below, and realized he had absolutely no idea how to go about searching an area so vast for a little island.  He wasn’t certain how many miles it was to the horizon from ten thousand feet up, but at a guess he would have said it was “a lot.”

It was, in fact, one hundred twenty two miles to the horizon from where they were at the moment, a fact Bruce was perfectly aware of.  He also knew which section of the ocean Walli-Wo was most likely to be hiding in at the moment, which is how he was able to spot it well before Alex.

Since searching for the island was keeping Alex quiet, however, Bruce kept it to himself when he spotted Walli-Wo and just started descending gently.  

Once they were down to about two thousand feet above sea level, Alex pointed with excitement out the window, and said, “There it is!”

“Yep, there it is!” Bruce said.  “I’m glad you finally noticed it over there.  I was worried you weren’t going to realize we were landing until we were already on the ground.”

“Realize we were landing?  How long ago did you spot the island?” Alex said.

“About eight thousand feet up ago.  Anyway, we’re going to fly over it a few times so I can get a feel for the landing strip and what the conditions are like at the moment.  Apparently, they have a windsock, at least,” Bruce said.

“Eight thousand feet up?” Alex said.  He took another look out the window, and said, “Holy crap!  When did the ocean get so close to us?”

“Pay attention and start looking down,” Bruce said. “We’ve got to see what kind of shape their landing strip is in, and if there are any weather conditions we can figure out from up here.  I don’t want to have to try to make a tailwind landing because we weren’t able to figure out which direction the wind is coming from.”

They flew over the airstrip for the first time.  Bruce noticed that it was in remarkably good condition for an airstrip that had been exposed to ocean conditions since World War Two.  He also noticed that there was indeed a windsock, and that the wind was currently still.  As they looped around to pass over the airstrip, he also noticed that there were no obstructions at either end of the runway.  

Remarkable, considered that it had been at least sixty years since that runway was built, and the rest of the island seemed to have plenty of trees.

By way of comparison, Alex noticed that there was almost definitely an island underneath them, and he was reasonably sure that there was a big open spot where they would be able to land.  His concern of what could happen to him and Bruce if something went wrong during the landing was completely overshadowed by his desire to get the hell out of that airplane and move his legs around.  He had already forgotten his relief that they’d actually found Walli-Wo, and was already mentally debating between doing jumping jacks or squats when they finally landed.

Meanwhile, Bruce was making his third pass over the airstrip, and had determined that not only was it safe enough to land, but that it was going to be an exceptionally easy landing.  Especially considering that it was on an island that no one, except for the people who managed the money for extremely rich people, even knew about any more. 

He’d also noticed that the islanders were already gathering along the sides of the airstrip to welcome them.

“Prepare for landing,” Bruce said.  “Get your seatbelt on, make sure anything you wouldn’t want to catch with your face is secured, and shut up.”

Alex checked around himself for anything that could become a projectile, but it looked like everything had been stowed.

Bruce pulled the throttle back to idle, and Alex was shocked at how quiet the world could be.  After so many hours in the air, he’d become somewhat accustomed to the sound of the engine.  For a minute, he worried that Bruce had killed the engine, but the propeller continued spinning, so Alex assumed it was still running.

He noticed the islanders that had come out to greet them just before they actually touched down.

Bruce eased the plane down on to the landing strip.  As they rolled to a stop, he mentally patted himself on the back for greasing the landing.

“Oh my god, stop and shut this thing down so we can get out!” Alex said, by way of thanks to Bruce.

“Hold your horses, bunny boy,” Bruce said. 

One of the islanders had a couple of sticks that had been painted fluorescent orange.  He’d walked in front of the Cessna, and was now guiding them over to, presumably, their tie down area. 

As they followed along, both Bruce and Alex looked around at the scenery surrounding them. They both observed and commented at almost exactly the same time.

“Was that a bamboo control tower?” and “Are those bamboo and palm frond hangars?”

Alex and Bruce looked at each other, equally baffled.

“Did you know about this?”

“No, did you?”

“No.”

The man guiding them led them to one of the makeshift hangars.  Bruce rolled the Cessna to a stop just in front of it, and then started going through his shutdown checklist.

“Good lord man, can’t you just shut it off so we can get out?” Alex said, somewhat desperately.

“No.  What you’re feeling right now is exactly the reason we use checklists – so we don’t forget something in our haste to get out of the plane,” Bruce said.

As Bruce worked through his checklist, Alex noticed the islanders gathering around the plane.  He was mildly perplexed by their manner of dress – part tiki-caricature, and part Wall Street.  Alex had never realized you could wear a sport coat with a grass skirt.  But then, why not?  It’s a new millennium.

Then Alex noticed who he presumed was the King.  Lemmy.  He wore a white morning coat, starched shirt, bow tie, top hat and violently orange board shorts.  He was walking towards them with his arms extended, smiling from ear to ear.

“Uh, Bruce,” Alex said.

“Stop talking, I told you,” Bruce said.  He was working his way through his checklist, flipping switches and repeating to himself which switch he’d flipped.

“You might want to see this,” Alex said.

“I’m busy at the moment.  Whatever it is will still be there in two minutes,” Bruce said.

“Whatever it is look like King Lemmy to me, and he making his way over to us.  You might want to straighten yourself up a bit,” Alex said.

Bruce glanced up and said, “shit!”

He shut down the engine as quickly as he could manage (it still took a few seconds) and hurried through the rest of his checklist.

“Landing light off, Magnetos off…” Bruce mumbled to himself.

For his part, Alex hoped that he had the right statue (he was pretty sure, but he didn’t want to be overconfident) and that it had survived the trip in pristine condition.  Or that it was at least pristine enough.  He hadn’t been paid yet, after all, and at this point, having been on the wrong end of several firearms, stuffed into a pink bunny suit, and stuck in a flying station wagon for nearly twenty hours, he really didn’t want anything to go wrong.

King Lemmy had reached the front of the plane, and stopped there, smiling and waiting for Alex and Bruce to get out of the plane so he could welcome them to Walli-Wo.

“OK,” Bruce said, putting away his checklist, “We’re good.  Let’s get out and meet the king.”

“OK,” Alex said.

They both opened their doors, but Alex stepped out of the plane first.  He wasn’t exactly sure how to introduce himself to a king, but he guessed that, “It’s so good to meet you,” would go over well.

Unfortunately, the second his feet hit the ground and he tried to support his own weight, his legs rebelled and decided the best way to pay him back was to cause Alex as much pain as possible, and refuse to hold him up.

Which meant that immediately after disembarking, Alex felt to the ground yelling, “Ow, shit, shit, ow, dammit, ow, ow!”

King Lemmy’s face fell, slightly.  

Luckily, Bruce was able to recover for Alex.  He simply exited the airplane, strode over to King Lemmy and said, “Thank you for your gracious hospitality in hosting us, it’s so good to be here.”

“Oh, that was classy, way better than what I’d planned on saying,” Alex said to the ground.

Chapter Sixteen is Pretty Sweet, Yes?

Wednesday, June Fifteenth, Mid-afternoonish, tiny island time

The soldiers Alex had stumbled upon had taken a keen interest in him the moment they’d noticed him.  All three had turned, ready to spring into action if needed.  After they’d determined that a guy in a pink bunny suit didn’t pose too much of a threat, one of the two soldiers manning the radios stayed seated, still listening intently to his headphones.  The other acted as backup to the guard, who was still pointing his rifle at Alex.

They apparently were not going to direct him to the restroom.

The guard had demanded to know who Alex was, and what he was doing there, and Alex gladly answered him.

“Alex Minor, bunny man.  I got bored waiting for my pilot to be ready to take off, so I decided to explore,” Alex said.

The guard remained impassive, while the soldier standing just behind him sighed and said, “Paperwork, fucking awesome.  Thanks, guy.”

He picked up a phone and said, “We have a man in a pink bunny suit we just found in the supply closet.  Are you aware of an Alex Minor on base?”

He listened, then hung up the phone after saying, “Thank you.”

“Colonel Klink will be here shortly to escort you,” he said to Alex.  “In the meantime, don’t move a muscle.”

“You’ve got it,” Alex said. 

Alex noticed none of the soldiers in the room were wearing name tags, or indications of rank.

After waiting for twenty minutes, Alex couldn’t take the boredom any longer, and said, “So, what do you guys do down here?”

“Maintain the supply closet,” the man who’d called to report Alex said.

“It takes three of you to do that?” Alex said.

“It’s a big closet.”

“I guess so, since you guys seem to be keeping a close ear on the radios.  Are there a lot of people working in the supply closet?” Alex said.

“There are enough.”

“And they keep in touch with you by radio?” Alex said.

“It’s hard to know when supplies will be urgently needed.  We provide immediate service.”

“Sure, sure,” Alex said.  “Skeleton crews on tiny unknown islands regularly have urgent needs for supplies.  So, you guys are road men for the apocalypse, then?”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“You know, you’re the ones who actually have their fingers on the button, right?” Alex said.

“What button?”

“The one that fires off nuclear missiles, obviously,” Alex said.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.  We maintain the supply closet.”

“Right, and the supply closet is currently storing a steaming hot load of atomic death, am I right?” Alex said.

“The supply closet contains paper goods, chemicals and other items necessary to running the base.”

“And a nuke or two?  Non nuclear supply closets usually just have a key, and sometimes a cranky secretary that makes sure you don’t take more than one number two pencil at a time, not three armed men that look like we’re at DEFCON 1 just waiting for a twitch,” Alex said.

The solider pointed to the guard and said, “Meet our cranky secretary.”

The guard said, “Don’t even think of taking more than one number two pencil.”

Alex laughed, “Come on you guys, how much of a threat can a man in a pink bunny suit be?”

“You look like a guy who hoards pencils to me,” the soldier said.  “You know these supplies are for everybody, right?”

“Give me a break.  Come on, show me the missiles!  I want to see what that kind of potential energy looks like in person,” Alex said.

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about.  Have you considered getting a tour of a nuclear power plant, however?  Lots of potential and beneficial energy to be seen in those places.”

“You know what? I like you,” Alex said.  “You’re exactly the kind of impossible asshole I love to keep bothering.  And, man, can I be a bother when I put my mind to it.  I mean, I’ve practically got my PhD in driving people who don’t want to tell me what’s going on nuts.  In fact, just the other day…” Alex was going to continue and tell the soldiers about exactly how irritating he’d been the other day, when Colonel Klink came in and interrupted him.

“Mister Minor, why are you down here keeping these men from doing their jobs?” Colonel Klink said.

“Hey, I was just trying to find a bathroom, and then Trigger here held me at gunpoint and told me I couldn’t go anywhere until you got here,” Alex said.

“Why did you come down here in the first place?” Colonel Klink said.

“I just told you, I was looking for the bathroom,” Alex said.

“None of us are that stupid, Mr. Minor, and I know who your employer is, so I know you’re not that stupid,” Colonel Klink said.

“Wow.  That’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.  Thank you,” Alex said.  “Although, I can be pretty spectacularly stupid when I really put my mind to it.”

Colonel Klink sighed, and said, “You realize, of course, that you’re in a secret area, beyond top secret, and that my men would have been completely justified in shooting you on sight.”

“Seriously?” Alex said.  He turned to the three soldiers, “You guys said this is the supply closet.  What kind of supply closet is beyond top secret?”

“The kind that keeps people like you from getting more number two pencils than they need,” the guard said.

Colonel Klink looked baffled for a split second before regaining his composure.

“I don’t know what that was about, and I don’t really care.  Mr. Minor,” Colonel Klink said.  “Come with me.  Mr. Evans is ready to leave now.”

“OK, fine…” Alex said.  “Later, broskis.”

The three soldiers shook their heads and went back to what they had been doing prior to Alex’s arrival.

Colonel Klink made Alex walk up the stairs in front of him.  From there, the two of them walked side by side to where Bruce was doing his pre-flight inspection of the Cessna.

“Hey Alex,” Bruce said, “Where did you get off to?”

“Supply closet.  It was weird,” Alex said.

“Oooooo-kay,” Bruce said.  “Well, are you about ready to go?  If you haven’t, now would be an excellent time to visit the head.”

“I made sure he stopped on the way over,” Colonel Klink said.  “I didn’t want him to get lost again on the way to the plane.”

“OK, cool,” Bruce said.  He closed the hood of the airplane, and said, “Thanks again for the fuel and hospitality, Colonel.  Give me a call the next time you’re out my way.”

“Any time, it’s always good to see an old friend,” Colonel Klink said.  “Maybe don’t bring this guy the next time you come this way, though.”

“Aw, ouch.  Fuck you too,” Alex said.

Colonel Klink turned around and walked away.

“Get in the plane Mr. Minor, before they decide not to let us leave,” Bruce said, quietly and more anxiously than he’d been talking to Colonel Klink.  “You do realize that they don’t look fondly on people stumbling into missile silos, don’t you?”

“I knew it!” Alex said.

Chapter Fifteen Puts the Awesome in Your Sauce

Wednesday, June Fifteenth, Pretty Damn Early, tiny island time

Alex was startled awake by a bugler playing “Reveille.”  For just a moment, he was extremely confused as to how he could be back in the military, and back on base.  Then he remembered where he was.

He was startled again when a cannon fired.

“Holy crap,” Alex said into the dark.  “They use a cannon during Reveille here?”

He was quite surprised when someone else in the dark said, “You’re damn right.  Apart from target practice and dealing with idiots that run out of gas in their Cessnas, that’s the only action any of us get on this base.”

There was some laughter from other voices in the dark.

Right, the barracks out here are still pretty primitive, Alex thought.  He didn’t have the room to himself.

The overhead lights came on, and Alex squinted against the fluorescent light for a couple of minutes until his eyes adjusted again. 

There were five other men in the room with him, hurrying about their morning routines.  The night before, Colonel Klink had introduced him to the soldiers he was rooming with, but Alex had forgotten their names already.

“Do you get a lot of idiots in Cessnas out here?” Alex said.

“Well, not a lot, but enough.  I don’t know, five a year?” one of the men said.  He was shaving in a small mirror.

“That’s just the Cessnas, though.  We get a lot of Bonanzas for some reason.  Probably ten of those a year,” one of the others said.  His head was shaved completely clean.

“Seriously?” Alex said.

“Yeah.  Bonanza owners seem to think their planes can do anything.  I mean, they’re nice, but be realistic…”

“I mean, you really get that many private pilots out here?” Alex said.

“Yeah.  There’s a certain subset of pilot that just has to fly around the world in their own plane.”  That was another voice.  Alex turned to look to see who was talking.  It was a guy about six feet tall, who was getting dressed already.

“Better that than climbing Everest, though,” Mr. Clean said.  “I mean, have you seen the photos of people in huge lines climbing that mountain?  It’s a whole weird industry.”

Another voice chimed in, “Most of them don’t show up in bunny suits, though.  Thanks for that, I damn near pissed myself when you got out of that plane.  I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.”

“Yeah, about that,” Alex said.  “Have you guys got any clothes to spare?”

“Nope, sorry,” said the man who was shaving.  “Colonel Klink said you’re on your own, since it takes so long for us to get provisions here.  The boat only comes once a month, and special requests typically take two months or more to get here.”

“Seriously?” Alex said. “Not even some shorts and a t-shirt?”

“Colonel Klink’s orders.  Sorry Fufu.”

“Excuse me?” Alex said.  “My name is Alex, or Mr. Minor.  I’ve served our country too, and you’d do well not to forget it.”

He felt his military voice coming back.  He’d prefer not to have to shout, but on the other hand, he wasn’t about to take any shit from a bunch of scrubs on “get ‘em out of our hair on this island” duty.

“Take it easy, killer, we’re just kidding.”

“OK, so are you going to lend me some clothes?” Alex said.

“Oh, no, sorry.  We weren’t joking about that.  Colonel Klink said we’re specifically not allowed to give you any clothes.  Not sure why he wants to see you in that bunny suit so badly.”

Alex gritted his teeth and put the bunny suit back on.  He was glad the climate on the island was fairly cool, otherwise wearing that much fleece would have been intensely uncomfortable.

Going to breakfast in the mess hall had been mildly embarrassing, but the majority of the people on the base were good natured and didn’t give Alex too hard of a time.  He was, however, a little peeved at Colonel Klink for refusing to allow anyone to give him something else to wear.  He’d asked around, everyone gave the same answer.

After breakfast, Alex found himself with nothing to do.  He hadn’t been able to find Bruce, or Colonel Klink, and all the service men and women on the island had their own jobs to get done, so they’d all vanished pretty quickly after eating.

Not having anything to do was a bad thing for Alex.

Since he couldn’t find anyone, and had been left to his own devices, he decided he might as well explore the island a bit, since (with any luck at all) he was extremely unlikely to ever visit again.

Walking from one coast of the island to the other took maybe fifteen minutes.  There wasn’t a heck of a lot to see in the way of natural beauty.  It was hard to say if it had ever been anything more than a small pile of rock and sand just big enough to land a plane on, but presently that’s exactly what it was.  There was a sandy beach going all the way around the island, at least.  He wondered how long it would take him to walk around the entire island, and guessed it would probably be less than three hours.

It was tempting, but he didn’t want to be an hour and a half’s walk away when Bruce decided it was time to leave. 

So he stayed close. 

Alex had been on plenty of military bases before, so there wasn’t too much here in the way of novel things to see.  He decided he’d explore the buildings anyway, since he needed to kill the time anyway.

He wondered just how many people had been stationed on this island when it was truly active.  It seemed like they were running a skeleton crew at the moment – just enough people to assert that this base did, in fact, belong to the United States.  He wandered through an essentially empty building that seemed to be made up of long disused offices.  On the top floor, in a corner office, he found the only person who worked in that building.

At the moment, she was building an intricate card castle on her desk.

Alex cleared his throat and said, “Hi.”

The woman building the card castle leapt to her feet and drew her handgun.  Miraculously, her card castle remained standing. 

“Who the fuck are you?” she said. Her tone of voice and volume indicated to Alex that he was going to get royally messed up if he didn’t answer that question correctly.  He held his hands up, palms open and facing her.

“Alex Minor, bunny man,” Alex said.  “How come everyone here keeps greeting me with the wrong end of their firearms?”

The soldier staring him down looked him over, and then holstered her pistol.

“Ah. You must be one of the Cessna idiots.  I thought they’d been kidding about the bunny suit,” she said.

“That’s not how I’d put it, but basically, yeah,” Alex said.  “And whom do I have the pleasure of nearly getting shot by?”

“Sergeant Tarbox,” she said.

“Well, nice to meet you, Sergeant.  I’m Alex Minor,” Alex said.  “So what do you do here?”

Sergeant Tarbox sighed, “Mostly, I keep this building clean.  Ultimately, that’s what nearly everyone on this base does.  We’re basically janitors with guns.  Could be worse.  At least we get to do all of the target practice we could want to do.”

“Sounds like a rough assignment, honestly,” Alex said.  He was pretty sure that he’d have gone insane a week and a half into his deployment on this island.

“Well, like I said, it could be worse,” Sergeant Tarbox said.  “So, what’s the deal with the costume?”

“I’d like to say it’s a long story, but it’s pretty short.  I got drugged and woke up in this suit, and then the pilot I’m flying with said we needed to leave ASAP.  And so, I’m here, in a bunny suit,” Alex said.

“Wow.  Who did you piss off?” Sergeant Tarbox said.

“Some woman named Tiffany,” Alex said.

“Ah ha,” Sergeant Tarbox said.

“Yeah,” Alex said.

There were a few seconds of awkward silence, and then Alex said, “So, is there anything on this island I really out to check out while I’m here?”

Sergeant Tarbox shook her head no.

“We’ve got sand, and rocks, and a bit of grass here and there,” she said.

“Hmm…” Alex said.  “I guess I’ll keep exploring the buildings until I find my pilot.  You haven’t seen him, have you?”

“No… I’ve been here on the top floor of an empty office building, making a castle out of cards.  I’d venture to say I’m the last person to know about most things that happen around here,” Sergeant Tarbox said. “

“Oof,” Alex said.  “I’m sorry, that sounds like a real drag.”

“It is,” she said.

“Well, it’s been nice talking to you,” Alex said.  “Good luck with the rest of your castle?”

“Right, thanks,” Sergeant Tarbox said.  “Good luck not dying in your goofy little Cessna when you take off again.”

“Thanks, I think?” Alex said.  “Well, see ya.”

“See ya,” Sergeant Tarbox said. “Oh! Hey!  If you’re exploring, keep out of the Emergency Management building.  It’s condemned.  Ceiling’s falling in, that kind of thing.”

“OK, thanks!” Alex said.  Emergency Management?  What on Earth do they have an Emergency Management building for?  Sounds interesting.  It must be time to go check that out.

Back outside, Alex made his way across the base, checking each building to see which one was the “Emergency Management” building.  He was also keeping his eyes and ears peeled for any sight or sound of Bruce, or the Cessna.  Alex didn’t think Bruce would leave without him, but he also didn’t want to spend a second longer on that island than he had to.  So if he heard the Cessna fire up, he was going to get his pink-clad ass over to it with the greatest of haste.

He finally found it (if having to check three other buildings is worthy of a “finally”), a beat up looking concrete shed.  The roof definitely appeared to be close to caving in on itself, and any visible bit of metal on the building was coated with a thick layer of rust. 

Alex wondered if it would be locked.  He also wondered how an Emergency Management office was supposed to fit in a building that couldn’t be more than twenty feet square.

He grabbed the doorknob, turned, and raised his eyebrows as the door opened easily for him.  He walked through the door, and saw a very battered desk, five drawer file cabinet, desk chair and telephone. 

It seemed a little odd to Alex that there was no dust on any of it.

Behind the desk, Alex noticed a stairway hiding behind a dividing wall.  It led down.

They built a building with a basement on this island?  Alex thought.  I’ve got to see this.

Alex started down the stairs, and was about halfway down before he realized that he didn’t have a   flashlight, and there were presumably no lights in the basement.  At least not any that worked, considering that the building was supposed to be condemned.

He nearly tripped when the overhead lights came on in the stairway, illuminating his way down to the basement.

Alex continued down the stairs.  It wasn’t until he was at the bottom that he realized that the entire building seemed to be spotless inside.

Who cleans a condemned building? Alex wondered.

He walked into the basement, and more automatic lights turned on.  He seemed to be in a big empty basement, nothing more.

There was a blast door on the far wall, however.  Alex couldn’t resist going over to inspect it.

One of the first things he noticed was that the hinges were well oiled.  Another thing he noticed was that the paint had worn off the wheel used to open the door, but it wasn’t rusty at all.

He had to find out what was on the other side.

What he found was another stairwell.  This one already had the lights on.  The steps were made out of steel diamond-plate.  He made his way down the stairs, relieved that the bunny slippers had soft soles, and didn’t make a sound as he took each step.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he found a small room with three men in it.  Two of them sitting at a desk, intensely listening to their headsets.  The other was standing just inside the doorway, holding a rifle. 

To one side, there was a wooden door with a sign that said, “To bunk room.”  On the far side of the room, there was a heavy steel blast door with a sign that said, “To silo.”

“Silo?” Alex said to himself, realizing a second too late that it should have been an inside thought.

The soldier with the rifle had spun and raised his rifle the second he noticed Alex.  He blinked twice, and looked Alex over.

Alex guessed that if he had not been wearing a pink bunny suit, he probably would have been shot already.

He swallowed hard, and said, “Uh, hi.  I’m pretty lost.  Can you tell me where the bathrooms are?”