Chapter Eleven is Pretty Pretty Cool

Monday, June Thirteenth,  11:00 A.M.

When he’d said, “I’ll have what you’re having,” Alex had not been expecting his… host… to return with two glasses of milk.

The mysterious woman in shadows had turned out to be Tiffany, the woman Bruce had met with the other night.  She was dressed more conventionally at the moment than she had been at the hotel.  Alex was mildly relieved when he realized he recognized her. 

Alex was sitting at a table on a comfortable chair on the back patio of spectacular, ocean front home in San Diego.  He wasn’t certain if he was in danger at the moment or not, but at least he was comfy.

To break the ice, Alex said, “So, do you kidnap all of your colleagues, or am I just getting special treatment?”

“Kidnap?  I just sent a car for you,” Tiffany said.

“And your driver manhandled me into the back seat, and didn’t even speak until we got here,” Alex said.

“Ah, I see.  I’m sorry about Howard, he takes his job very seriously, and he can be kind of literal.  I’ll remember not to ask him to go get someone in the future,” Tiffany said.

She held up her glass of milk, and said, “And, by the way, cheers.”

Alex was a bit baffled, but he clinked glasses with her and drank a bit of the milk she’d brought out.  He was surprised that it was whole milk – he didn’t think anyone actually drank that stuff after the age of 18. 

He’d forgotten just how good it can be.

“So… Howard has a habit of shoving passengers into the back of his car?” Alex said.

“Yeah, he needs to be reminded about hospitality now and then.  He can be a little bit too literal, like I said, but he’s very dependable and a good driver,” Tiffany said.  “Drink your milk.”

Alex had another sip of the milk she’d brought him.  These two were definitely an odd pair, in his opinion, but he’d become somewhat accustomed to eccentricity since he’d started working for Mr. Darcy.  His colleague Megan, for example, had a predilection for having people who’d particularly pissed her off her bound and driven to the border of the next state, where they’d be let out of the car and given a coupon for the Sizzler and then left.  It was kind of her trademark.

When Alex asked Megan why she did such a thing, she’d said it was, “Because fuck them, that’s why.”

Given that these were the kinds of people he worked with, he still hadn’t fully relaxed here at Tiffany’s house.  People who were mildly paranoid, Alex had learned, tend to live longer.

“Well,” Alex said.  “I’d sure appreciate it if you’d tell me why you’ve brought me here.”

“I heard about the weather off the coast, and assumed that Bruce would delay your flight.  I thought you might like to know a bit more about where you’re going and who you’re dealing with,” Tiffany said.

Alex said, “How do you know where I’m going and what I’m doing?  It seems like I’m the only person in this whole organization that is willing to talk about what I’m doing, and I haven’t told you a darn thing.”

Tiffany laughed, and said, “You told me plenty when you’d asked Bruce about, “the thing,” as you put it, in the airplane.  Bruce had mentioned he was going to taking you on a long flight over the Pacific Ocean.  There are only a few islands out there where a pilot can land in a Mooney and get away with it.  What’s more, there are even fewer islands that would be able to afford Mr. Darcy’s recovery services.  I’m guessing you’ve already figured that Mr. Darcy works for, shall we say, an exclusive clientele.”

Alex thought about the thick envelopes full of cash he was accustomed to receiving as payment.

Tiffany continued, “From there, it was easy to narrow down which islands have the kind of budget to hire Mr. Darcy’s firm, and furthermore, have the need.  The Cook Islands would have the budget, but not the need.  That leaves Walli-Wo.  Drink your milk, Mr. Minor.”

Alex realized his jaw had dropped.  Clearly Tiffany was an intellectual force to be reckoned with.  He took another sip of his milk.

“That’s astounding, Tiffany,” Alex said.  He then realized that calling her by her first name might be a little too casual, considering that she insisted on calling him by his last name. 

“I’m sorry,” he continued, “I don’t think you’ve told me your last name.  I hope you don’t mind me calling you by your first name.”

“It is, as a certain fictional British detective is endlessly quoted to have said, elementary,” Tiffany said.  “And no, I don’t mind you calling me Tiffany.  My last name is Dake.”

“Ms. Dake,” Alex said, and immediately realized why she was OK with having her first name used. “Tiffany, got it.”

How is it that the women working for Mr. Darcy all have such weird names? Alex thought to himself.

“Thank you,” Tiffany said.  “Drink your milk, Mr. Minor.”

Alex shrugged and took another sip of milk.  He noticed that it really was surprisingly good.  Mental note, add whole milk to my shopping list, he thought.

“So, what do you know about Walli-Wo and your client, Mr. Minor?” Tiffany said.

“Just what was in the file Mr. Darcy gave me,” Alex said.  “The U.S. military established a presence there during World War Two, which is what introduced the people living there to the modern world.  I understand my client is their chief, or king, or something like that.  There’s a landing strip, and a supply of fuel there.  Other than that, I really only skimmed the rest of the file.  Bruce and I are just dropping off the, uh, thing, and taking off right away again.  I don’t see why I need to know much else, since we’re just making a delivery.”

“Drink your milk, Mr. Minor,” Tiffany said.

She continued, “Your client is King Lemmy, then?”

Alex giggled a bit, and said, “I guess that’s him.”

He looked out over the ocean, and marveled at just how spectacular the rolling waves were.  He’d always enjoyed visiting the Pacific coast because of the rugged coast and the spectacular breaking waves.  The sunlight was glinting and twinkling off of the waves in a particularly appealing way, and he really noticed the color of the water.  Just amazing.

“Don’t laugh at King Lemmy in the presence of his people,” Tiffany said, sternly.  “They utterly adore him, and he loves them in return.”

“OK, I’ll be respectful of King Lemmy,” Alex said, and fought back another snicker.  Wasn’t Lemmy a rock star?

“Good,” Tiffany said.  “I assume you aren’t aware of this, but King Lemmy is spectacularly wealthy, as are his people.  Lemmy has, to put it mildly, shared the wealth.  His people have the best medical care he can provide, abundant food, and access to as much education as they care to pursue.”

Alex tried to wrap his mind around the idea of an island utopia where no one wanted for anything, that he’d never heard of in any of his schooling, or in his professional life prior to this assignment.

“Are you pulling my leg?  How has no one ever even heard of this place?  You’d think it’d be all over in popular culture, or at least some corners of the internet,” Alex said.

Tiffany smiled and said, “The same way no one knows about Mr. Darcy, unless they do.  They put a lot of effort into making sure no one knows about them that they wouldn’t want to know about them.”

“OK,” Alex said, “So what the heck do they do there that they have such an incredible standard of living, out in the middle of the ocean?”

“Offshore banking,” Tiffany said.  “Drink your milk, Mr. Minor.”

Alex took another sip of his milk.  Of course, taking care of rich people’s money was a good way of getting rich yourself, he thought.  Hee hee, Lemmy.  Lemmylemmylemmy…

“So,” Alex said, “What does any of this really have to do with me?”

Tiffany smiled.  She said, “Why do you think King Lemmy, with all of his resources, would want that statue back badly enough to pay whatever Mr. Darcy quoted to recover it?  He could just have another statue made, after all.”

Lem Lem Lemmy… Lemmmmmony Freshly Lemmy…  I feel kind of weird, Alex thought.

“Sentimental value?” Alex said.  Speaking seemed to surprise him.

“You might not be as stupid as you look,” Tiffany said.

“Hey…” Alex said.

Tiffany interrupted him.  “Drink your milk, Mr. Minor,” she said.

He took another sip, and gave her a grumpy look.  I do not look stupid, he thought. Then, she wants me.

“Sentimental value is a very good guess,” Tiffany said.  Alex beamed.

She continued, “That statue, King Lemmy believes, contains the soul of one of his distant ancestors.  He’d do anything to get it back.  During World War Two, a soldier grabbed it as a souvenir, not thinking much of it apart from that it was kind of cool.  The islanders didn’t realize it was missing until it was long gone.  Why would they?  Even touching those statues, outside of certain special occasions, was strictly taboo.”

Lllllllemmmon Bissscuits, Alex thought. He giggled again.  Whoa, that was weird.

“Why are you telling me any of this?” Alex said.  “I’m just the repo and delivery man, here.”

“Drink your milk, Mr. Minor,” Tiffany said.

Alex took another sip of milk.  He was starting to feel very mellow.  The ocean really was spectacular.  He could just sit and watch it all day.

“I’m telling you this, because you need to know that there are other people out there that also know, and would really like to get their hands on that statue,” Tiffany said.

“Whoa, I’m not just the deliveryman, I’m the security detail as well,” Alex said, and snickered a bit, before lapsing into a serious case of the giggles.  “Keep back! Lemmmmy’s Soul Statue coming through!  Hey, what did you put in my milk?”

Tiffany gave Alex a coy smile.  “My own secret recipe, do you like it?”

The chair Alex was sitting in was becoming more and more comfy by the second, and he felt more relaxed than he’d felt in years.  Maybe ever.  He wanted nothing more than to lean back and spend the rest of the week watching the waves.  He struggled against it a bit, sitting forward in his chair.

“Thhannnk you for the infffformation,” Alex said.  He could hear himself slurring his words, but couldn’t do anything to stop it.  “But, why….”

He took a second to catch his breath.  This was exhausting.  A nap would be excellent.

“…Did yoou drug me?” Alex finished, enunciating as carefully as he could manage.

Tiffany leaned forward, and said, “Do you remember the other night, when we met?  I was dressed a bit differently.”

Alex recalled her skin-tight dress and pink boots.  He nodded, slowly.

“You looked at me like I was a hooker until you learned that I work for Mr. Darcy as well, and I didn’t appreciate it.  You saw me at a very vulnerable moment.  I thought I might return the favor.  Sleep well, Mr. Minor,” Tiffany said.

Alex realized that he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer, and the chair seemed to be enveloping him in waves of comfort.

“Sorrry abouut thaaat,” Alex said, before falling back into the chair, deeply asleep.

“Howard!” Tiffany called.  “Would you get Alex back to his hotel room please?”