Chapter Fifteen Puts the Awesome in Your Sauce

Wednesday, June Fifteenth, Pretty Damn Early, tiny island time

Alex was startled awake by a bugler playing “Reveille.”  For just a moment, he was extremely confused as to how he could be back in the military, and back on base.  Then he remembered where he was.

He was startled again when a cannon fired.

“Holy crap,” Alex said into the dark.  “They use a cannon during Reveille here?”

He was quite surprised when someone else in the dark said, “You’re damn right.  Apart from target practice and dealing with idiots that run out of gas in their Cessnas, that’s the only action any of us get on this base.”

There was some laughter from other voices in the dark.

Right, the barracks out here are still pretty primitive, Alex thought.  He didn’t have the room to himself.

The overhead lights came on, and Alex squinted against the fluorescent light for a couple of minutes until his eyes adjusted again. 

There were five other men in the room with him, hurrying about their morning routines.  The night before, Colonel Klink had introduced him to the soldiers he was rooming with, but Alex had forgotten their names already.

“Do you get a lot of idiots in Cessnas out here?” Alex said.

“Well, not a lot, but enough.  I don’t know, five a year?” one of the men said.  He was shaving in a small mirror.

“That’s just the Cessnas, though.  We get a lot of Bonanzas for some reason.  Probably ten of those a year,” one of the others said.  His head was shaved completely clean.

“Seriously?” Alex said.

“Yeah.  Bonanza owners seem to think their planes can do anything.  I mean, they’re nice, but be realistic…”

“I mean, you really get that many private pilots out here?” Alex said.

“Yeah.  There’s a certain subset of pilot that just has to fly around the world in their own plane.”  That was another voice.  Alex turned to look to see who was talking.  It was a guy about six feet tall, who was getting dressed already.

“Better that than climbing Everest, though,” Mr. Clean said.  “I mean, have you seen the photos of people in huge lines climbing that mountain?  It’s a whole weird industry.”

Another voice chimed in, “Most of them don’t show up in bunny suits, though.  Thanks for that, I damn near pissed myself when you got out of that plane.  I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.”

“Yeah, about that,” Alex said.  “Have you guys got any clothes to spare?”

“Nope, sorry,” said the man who was shaving.  “Colonel Klink said you’re on your own, since it takes so long for us to get provisions here.  The boat only comes once a month, and special requests typically take two months or more to get here.”

“Seriously?” Alex said. “Not even some shorts and a t-shirt?”

“Colonel Klink’s orders.  Sorry Fufu.”

“Excuse me?” Alex said.  “My name is Alex, or Mr. Minor.  I’ve served our country too, and you’d do well not to forget it.”

He felt his military voice coming back.  He’d prefer not to have to shout, but on the other hand, he wasn’t about to take any shit from a bunch of scrubs on “get ‘em out of our hair on this island” duty.

“Take it easy, killer, we’re just kidding.”

“OK, so are you going to lend me some clothes?” Alex said.

“Oh, no, sorry.  We weren’t joking about that.  Colonel Klink said we’re specifically not allowed to give you any clothes.  Not sure why he wants to see you in that bunny suit so badly.”

Alex gritted his teeth and put the bunny suit back on.  He was glad the climate on the island was fairly cool, otherwise wearing that much fleece would have been intensely uncomfortable.

Going to breakfast in the mess hall had been mildly embarrassing, but the majority of the people on the base were good natured and didn’t give Alex too hard of a time.  He was, however, a little peeved at Colonel Klink for refusing to allow anyone to give him something else to wear.  He’d asked around, everyone gave the same answer.

After breakfast, Alex found himself with nothing to do.  He hadn’t been able to find Bruce, or Colonel Klink, and all the service men and women on the island had their own jobs to get done, so they’d all vanished pretty quickly after eating.

Not having anything to do was a bad thing for Alex.

Since he couldn’t find anyone, and had been left to his own devices, he decided he might as well explore the island a bit, since (with any luck at all) he was extremely unlikely to ever visit again.

Walking from one coast of the island to the other took maybe fifteen minutes.  There wasn’t a heck of a lot to see in the way of natural beauty.  It was hard to say if it had ever been anything more than a small pile of rock and sand just big enough to land a plane on, but presently that’s exactly what it was.  There was a sandy beach going all the way around the island, at least.  He wondered how long it would take him to walk around the entire island, and guessed it would probably be less than three hours.

It was tempting, but he didn’t want to be an hour and a half’s walk away when Bruce decided it was time to leave. 

So he stayed close. 

Alex had been on plenty of military bases before, so there wasn’t too much here in the way of novel things to see.  He decided he’d explore the buildings anyway, since he needed to kill the time anyway.

He wondered just how many people had been stationed on this island when it was truly active.  It seemed like they were running a skeleton crew at the moment – just enough people to assert that this base did, in fact, belong to the United States.  He wandered through an essentially empty building that seemed to be made up of long disused offices.  On the top floor, in a corner office, he found the only person who worked in that building.

At the moment, she was building an intricate card castle on her desk.

Alex cleared his throat and said, “Hi.”

The woman building the card castle leapt to her feet and drew her handgun.  Miraculously, her card castle remained standing. 

“Who the fuck are you?” she said. Her tone of voice and volume indicated to Alex that he was going to get royally messed up if he didn’t answer that question correctly.  He held his hands up, palms open and facing her.

“Alex Minor, bunny man,” Alex said.  “How come everyone here keeps greeting me with the wrong end of their firearms?”

The soldier staring him down looked him over, and then holstered her pistol.

“Ah. You must be one of the Cessna idiots.  I thought they’d been kidding about the bunny suit,” she said.

“That’s not how I’d put it, but basically, yeah,” Alex said.  “And whom do I have the pleasure of nearly getting shot by?”

“Sergeant Tarbox,” she said.

“Well, nice to meet you, Sergeant.  I’m Alex Minor,” Alex said.  “So what do you do here?”

Sergeant Tarbox sighed, “Mostly, I keep this building clean.  Ultimately, that’s what nearly everyone on this base does.  We’re basically janitors with guns.  Could be worse.  At least we get to do all of the target practice we could want to do.”

“Sounds like a rough assignment, honestly,” Alex said.  He was pretty sure that he’d have gone insane a week and a half into his deployment on this island.

“Well, like I said, it could be worse,” Sergeant Tarbox said.  “So, what’s the deal with the costume?”

“I’d like to say it’s a long story, but it’s pretty short.  I got drugged and woke up in this suit, and then the pilot I’m flying with said we needed to leave ASAP.  And so, I’m here, in a bunny suit,” Alex said.

“Wow.  Who did you piss off?” Sergeant Tarbox said.

“Some woman named Tiffany,” Alex said.

“Ah ha,” Sergeant Tarbox said.

“Yeah,” Alex said.

There were a few seconds of awkward silence, and then Alex said, “So, is there anything on this island I really out to check out while I’m here?”

Sergeant Tarbox shook her head no.

“We’ve got sand, and rocks, and a bit of grass here and there,” she said.

“Hmm…” Alex said.  “I guess I’ll keep exploring the buildings until I find my pilot.  You haven’t seen him, have you?”

“No… I’ve been here on the top floor of an empty office building, making a castle out of cards.  I’d venture to say I’m the last person to know about most things that happen around here,” Sergeant Tarbox said. “

“Oof,” Alex said.  “I’m sorry, that sounds like a real drag.”

“It is,” she said.

“Well, it’s been nice talking to you,” Alex said.  “Good luck with the rest of your castle?”

“Right, thanks,” Sergeant Tarbox said.  “Good luck not dying in your goofy little Cessna when you take off again.”

“Thanks, I think?” Alex said.  “Well, see ya.”

“See ya,” Sergeant Tarbox said. “Oh! Hey!  If you’re exploring, keep out of the Emergency Management building.  It’s condemned.  Ceiling’s falling in, that kind of thing.”

“OK, thanks!” Alex said.  Emergency Management?  What on Earth do they have an Emergency Management building for?  Sounds interesting.  It must be time to go check that out.

Back outside, Alex made his way across the base, checking each building to see which one was the “Emergency Management” building.  He was also keeping his eyes and ears peeled for any sight or sound of Bruce, or the Cessna.  Alex didn’t think Bruce would leave without him, but he also didn’t want to spend a second longer on that island than he had to.  So if he heard the Cessna fire up, he was going to get his pink-clad ass over to it with the greatest of haste.

He finally found it (if having to check three other buildings is worthy of a “finally”), a beat up looking concrete shed.  The roof definitely appeared to be close to caving in on itself, and any visible bit of metal on the building was coated with a thick layer of rust. 

Alex wondered if it would be locked.  He also wondered how an Emergency Management office was supposed to fit in a building that couldn’t be more than twenty feet square.

He grabbed the doorknob, turned, and raised his eyebrows as the door opened easily for him.  He walked through the door, and saw a very battered desk, five drawer file cabinet, desk chair and telephone. 

It seemed a little odd to Alex that there was no dust on any of it.

Behind the desk, Alex noticed a stairway hiding behind a dividing wall.  It led down.

They built a building with a basement on this island?  Alex thought.  I’ve got to see this.

Alex started down the stairs, and was about halfway down before he realized that he didn’t have a   flashlight, and there were presumably no lights in the basement.  At least not any that worked, considering that the building was supposed to be condemned.

He nearly tripped when the overhead lights came on in the stairway, illuminating his way down to the basement.

Alex continued down the stairs.  It wasn’t until he was at the bottom that he realized that the entire building seemed to be spotless inside.

Who cleans a condemned building? Alex wondered.

He walked into the basement, and more automatic lights turned on.  He seemed to be in a big empty basement, nothing more.

There was a blast door on the far wall, however.  Alex couldn’t resist going over to inspect it.

One of the first things he noticed was that the hinges were well oiled.  Another thing he noticed was that the paint had worn off the wheel used to open the door, but it wasn’t rusty at all.

He had to find out what was on the other side.

What he found was another stairwell.  This one already had the lights on.  The steps were made out of steel diamond-plate.  He made his way down the stairs, relieved that the bunny slippers had soft soles, and didn’t make a sound as he took each step.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he found a small room with three men in it.  Two of them sitting at a desk, intensely listening to their headsets.  The other was standing just inside the doorway, holding a rifle. 

To one side, there was a wooden door with a sign that said, “To bunk room.”  On the far side of the room, there was a heavy steel blast door with a sign that said, “To silo.”

“Silo?” Alex said to himself, realizing a second too late that it should have been an inside thought.

The soldier with the rifle had spun and raised his rifle the second he noticed Alex.  He blinked twice, and looked Alex over.

Alex guessed that if he had not been wearing a pink bunny suit, he probably would have been shot already.

He swallowed hard, and said, “Uh, hi.  I’m pretty lost.  Can you tell me where the bathrooms are?”