Chapter Nineteen is Definitely Today's Best Chapter

Thursday, June Sixteenth, Just After the Morning Feast, Walli-Wo island time

Alex and Bruce hadn’t eaten so well, or so much, in ages.  They were both caught off guard by the hospitality of the islanders. 

In an effort to show their gratitude and enjoyment of the food, Alex and Bruce had both cleaned their plates.  Both of which were promptly filled again before they could even protest.  They’d cleaned their plates again, and this time tried to catch their host before their plates were loaded again, without any luck. 

Alex and Bruce tried their hardest to eat everything they’d been given, but each of them could only physically hold so much food before they couldn’t even force it down any more. 

King Lemmy, Alex noticed, had been observing the two of them as they ate.  When they’d reached the point where they had to set their forks down, he laughed his huge laugh, and said, “Both of you have a hero’s appetite as well!  You must be eager to rest after your travels, I shall have Harry show you to your quarters so you can rest.”

Harry had somehow appeared behind Alex and Bruce without either of them noticing him.  Alex wondered if he had also been the one heaping their plates with food.  He wondered if perhaps Harry was somehow distantly related to Harold as well.  It was a small world, after all.

Note to self, Alex thought, Butlers are made of magic, and also a little unsettling.

“Gentlemen, please come with me,” Harry said, with a small bow.

Alex and Bruce exchanged a quick glance and stood up.

Alex said to King Lemmy, “Thank you so much for your hospitality, King Lemmy.”

“It is my pleasure!  Please let me know if there is anything you require during your time here, and it will be provided for you,” King Lemmy said.  “Now go, go and rest.  You must be exhausted.  The finest heroes’ accommodations on Walli-Wo have been arranged for you.  I look forward to talking with you more later today.”

“Thank you very much,” Alex said.  “We look forward to talking more with you as well.”

He and Bruce followed Harry, who led them out of the hall (they received quite a few enthusiastic pats on the back on their ways past the other islanders).

Alex was taken once again by the juxtaposition of high and low technology on the island.  Clearly, someone was shrewd in business.  He wondered if the low technology stuff like the lean-tos were because the islanders were a little backwards, or if they were deliberately holding on to their roots as well as they could manage while incorporating current tools as well.  If that was the case, Alex thought that was pretty cool.

Before long Harry had led them to their accommodations.  It was another ultra-modern building, a small house that was all right angles, concrete and glass.

“Here is where you’ll be staying, gentlemen,” Harry said. “Should you need anything at all, please simply ring and someone will be with you shortly to assist you.  Second breakfast will start in about two hours, two hours after that, we’ll have a light lunch.  Then in mid-afternoon there will be a tea ceremony.  Tonight’s feast will start somewhat late, so there will be time for a small snack early in the evening.  Please rest, someone will come to bring you for second breakfast.”

Alex had absolutely no idea how to respond.  Neither did Bruce.  Both of them were thinking roughly the same thought, “Second breakfast is a thing?”

Harry turned and walked away.  Alex and Bruce watched him casually saunter off.

“You know,” Alex said once he figured Harry was out of earshot, “He speaks very formally for a guy in shorts and flip-flops.”

“I noticed that too,” Bruce said.  “Let’s get inside and relax.  I really need to sleep.”

The two of them walked into the house, and marveled that such a place existed on an island that was, for all intents and purposes, in the middle of nowhere.

“How the hell did they get an Eames chair here?” Bruce said as they surveyed the great room that the front door of the house opened in to.

“Is that an Andy Warhol on the wall?” Alex said.

The two of them took everything in for a moment, and then Bruce shrugged and said, “Well, if they could afford to hire Darcy Custom Brokers, this stuff is largely chump change.  Let’s get some sleep.”

Alex marveled a bit more before realizing that he could also really use some rest.  The two of them wandered through the house until they found the bedrooms.

“Oh, hey,” Bruce said.  “I’ve got something for you.”

“Really?” Alex said.  He was so surprised he wasn’t sure if he should be suspicious or not.

“Yeah, hang on, let me get it out of my bag,” Bruce said.  He went into one of the bedrooms, and came out carrying what looked like a pile of folded blue fabric.  Handed the pile to Alex.

“What is this?” Alex said. 

“Dress blues,” Bruce said.  “Colonel Klink said he thought they’d probably fit you well enough.”

“Colonel Klink?” Alex said.  A small flash of anger.

“Yeah, he thought you might like these better than the bunny suit, and he figured BDUs would be too informal for meeting with a king,” Bruce said, with a devilish grin.

“…And why didn’t you give these to me before we took off?” Alex said.

“Colonel’s direct orders, Mr. Minor.  He thought it would be funnier if you arrived on Walli-Wo in the bunny suit,” Bruce said.

Alex was too tired, and too full of Walli-Wo delicacies for practical jokes at the moment.  He paused, and tried to collect himself so he didn’t say anything rash.

Deep breath in, deep breath out… Alex thought. When he was ready, he spoke in as calm and soothing a manner as he could manage.

“Please remind me, the next time we see Colonel Klink,“ Alex said, “to kick him as hard as I can right in the stuffed animals.”

Bruce laughed, and said, “Whatever you say, Mr. Minor.  Let’s get some sleep.”

He went into the bedroom he’d picked, and shut the door behind himself.

Alex looked down at the pile of dress blues.  His first thought was, I hope there’s a shirt in here.

His next thought was, I don’t see any shoes in this pile.  Thanks, Colonel Klink.

Alex went into the closest bedroom and shut the door behind him before he looked up and saw what the room looked like.  His jaw dropped.

For all of the minimalistic (if luxurious) simplicity of the great room, this room seemed to be an exercise in maximalist design. The walls were hung with luxurious fabrics.  The furniture was ornate to the point of being baroque.  There was a table laden with fruits and sliced meats, as well as several carafes full of juices that Alex suspected were probably divine if you haven’t already eaten the best part of a horse that morning.  A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, and there were many, many little tchotchkes and ornaments made of gold and colored stones.  It took Alex a moment to realize that the stones were probably actually gemstones.  The bed was also the single biggest bed Alex had ever seen.  He was pretty sure that he and twenty other people could all fit in there without crowding one another.  It had four huge posts carved into totem-like heads, and a canopy made of a velvet that was blue edging on violet.  There was also a thick rope hanging right next to the bed. It was made of golden silk, hanging from a hole in the ceiling just big enough to let the rope pass through.  Vague recollections of a Sherlock Holmes story briefly flitted through Alex’s mind before curiosity got the best of him and he went over to check it out. 

After a brief glance up at the hole the rope went into in the ceiling, Alex grabbed it and gave it a firm yank.

Somewhere, not too far off, a deep, melodious bell rang.

Oh, cool, Alex thought.

He put his new dress blues down on the bed, and laid each item out so he could see what he had. 

There were: one pair of pants with a stripe running down the outside of each leg, a white shirt, a tie, a suit jacket that matched the pants and…

Alex steamed a bit.

…And on the left side of the jacket, where a soldier would display any medals earned, was a great big blue ribbon.  It said, “I pooped in the big potty!” in gold letters.  There was also a teddy bear giving a thumbs up outlined in gold.

 Just then a voice, not Alex’s, said, “How can I assist you?”

Alex looked up from the stupid ribbon, and found himself face to face with a beautiful woman wearing, well, just enough.

“Uh,” Alex said.

The woman smiled gently, and waited for his answer.

After a few seconds, gears started turning.  Hadn’t Harry said something about just ringing if he needed anything?  He realized he’d just rung a bell, and a quick glance didn’t reveal any telephones in the room.

“Um,” Alex said.

“Are you hungry?  Thirsty?  Is there something else I can do for you?” she said.

Alex swallowed hard, and tried to will his brain into coming up with something to say.  It didn’t work.

Finally, he laughed awkwardly and said, “Oh, the bell…  Um… I’m sorry, I don’t really need anything.  I didn’t mean to inconvenience you.”

She looked crestfallen, and nodded.  Alex felt like a real jerk.

Think, damn it, think! Alex ordered himself.  Clearly she felt bad that she couldn’t help him out with something.  There must be something he could ask for that would get them both out of this awkward situation.

“Well, I’ll let you rest,” was what she had been about to see, but Alex interrupted her after she’d said, “Well.”

“You know,” Alex said, “I think I could really use some more pillows.  And towels.  I need a lot of towels.  Could you get those for me?”

She suddenly perked up again, and smiled broadly at him.

Smiles like that will be the end of me, Alex thought.

“Yes, of course, I’ll bring them right away, Mr. Minor,” she said.

Mr. Minor? Alex thought, briefly wondering who she really was before he remembered that he and Bruce were guests of honor.  Of course she knew his name.

“Thank you Miss, umm?” Alex said.

Miss umm blushed and said, “You may call me Gertrude.” 

She then hurried out of the room.  Despite himself, Alex couldn’t help watching as her hips swayed while she walked.

When his brain started working again, he thought, “Gertrude?”

The folks on this island had oddly European names, considering that they were isolated and in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  Alex made a mental note to find out why that was, if he could.

Before long, Gertrude had returned with a stack of towels and pillows that she had somehow managed defy physics in order to balance and carry.

“Mrrflmm mm mmm mrrt meez?” Gertrude said from behind the stack she was carrying.

“Sorry?” Alex said, then thought, she wants to know where to put them.  “Oh, uh, just on the bed is fine, thank you, Gertrude.”

“Mrrfl mm mm,” Gertrude said, then set the stack of towels and pillows down on the bed.  She was slightly flushed, and upon seeing that, Alex decided the best thing to do was to get back to work on getting his new dress blues in order.  First thing to do would be to remove that stupid ribbon.

“Is there anything else you would like, Mr. Minor?” Gertrude said, and smiled widely at Alex.

Derrrrrrp, is what Alex thought.  He managed to collect himself again, after a moment of staring, and said, “No, thank you very much.  I think I need to rest now.”

“Very good, Mr. Minor.  Sleep well.  I will wake you for second breakfast,” Gertrude said.

She walked out of the room and shut the door behind her.

Alex spaced out for a few seconds before an unpleasant thought forced its way into his consciousness  and rudely interrupted other, more blissful, thoughts.

Wake me for second breakfast?  Alex thought.  His stomach, already distended, moaned at him (something Alex hadn’t even been aware it could do).  How am I supposed to graciously eat more?

“Shit,” Alex said.