Chapter Sixteen is Pretty Sweet, Yes?

Wednesday, June Fifteenth, Mid-afternoonish, tiny island time

The soldiers Alex had stumbled upon had taken a keen interest in him the moment they’d noticed him.  All three had turned, ready to spring into action if needed.  After they’d determined that a guy in a pink bunny suit didn’t pose too much of a threat, one of the two soldiers manning the radios stayed seated, still listening intently to his headphones.  The other acted as backup to the guard, who was still pointing his rifle at Alex.

They apparently were not going to direct him to the restroom.

The guard had demanded to know who Alex was, and what he was doing there, and Alex gladly answered him.

“Alex Minor, bunny man.  I got bored waiting for my pilot to be ready to take off, so I decided to explore,” Alex said.

The guard remained impassive, while the soldier standing just behind him sighed and said, “Paperwork, fucking awesome.  Thanks, guy.”

He picked up a phone and said, “We have a man in a pink bunny suit we just found in the supply closet.  Are you aware of an Alex Minor on base?”

He listened, then hung up the phone after saying, “Thank you.”

“Colonel Klink will be here shortly to escort you,” he said to Alex.  “In the meantime, don’t move a muscle.”

“You’ve got it,” Alex said. 

Alex noticed none of the soldiers in the room were wearing name tags, or indications of rank.

After waiting for twenty minutes, Alex couldn’t take the boredom any longer, and said, “So, what do you guys do down here?”

“Maintain the supply closet,” the man who’d called to report Alex said.

“It takes three of you to do that?” Alex said.

“It’s a big closet.”

“I guess so, since you guys seem to be keeping a close ear on the radios.  Are there a lot of people working in the supply closet?” Alex said.

“There are enough.”

“And they keep in touch with you by radio?” Alex said.

“It’s hard to know when supplies will be urgently needed.  We provide immediate service.”

“Sure, sure,” Alex said.  “Skeleton crews on tiny unknown islands regularly have urgent needs for supplies.  So, you guys are road men for the apocalypse, then?”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“You know, you’re the ones who actually have their fingers on the button, right?” Alex said.

“What button?”

“The one that fires off nuclear missiles, obviously,” Alex said.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.  We maintain the supply closet.”

“Right, and the supply closet is currently storing a steaming hot load of atomic death, am I right?” Alex said.

“The supply closet contains paper goods, chemicals and other items necessary to running the base.”

“And a nuke or two?  Non nuclear supply closets usually just have a key, and sometimes a cranky secretary that makes sure you don’t take more than one number two pencil at a time, not three armed men that look like we’re at DEFCON 1 just waiting for a twitch,” Alex said.

The solider pointed to the guard and said, “Meet our cranky secretary.”

The guard said, “Don’t even think of taking more than one number two pencil.”

Alex laughed, “Come on you guys, how much of a threat can a man in a pink bunny suit be?”

“You look like a guy who hoards pencils to me,” the soldier said.  “You know these supplies are for everybody, right?”

“Give me a break.  Come on, show me the missiles!  I want to see what that kind of potential energy looks like in person,” Alex said.

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about.  Have you considered getting a tour of a nuclear power plant, however?  Lots of potential and beneficial energy to be seen in those places.”

“You know what? I like you,” Alex said.  “You’re exactly the kind of impossible asshole I love to keep bothering.  And, man, can I be a bother when I put my mind to it.  I mean, I’ve practically got my PhD in driving people who don’t want to tell me what’s going on nuts.  In fact, just the other day…” Alex was going to continue and tell the soldiers about exactly how irritating he’d been the other day, when Colonel Klink came in and interrupted him.

“Mister Minor, why are you down here keeping these men from doing their jobs?” Colonel Klink said.

“Hey, I was just trying to find a bathroom, and then Trigger here held me at gunpoint and told me I couldn’t go anywhere until you got here,” Alex said.

“Why did you come down here in the first place?” Colonel Klink said.

“I just told you, I was looking for the bathroom,” Alex said.

“None of us are that stupid, Mr. Minor, and I know who your employer is, so I know you’re not that stupid,” Colonel Klink said.

“Wow.  That’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.  Thank you,” Alex said.  “Although, I can be pretty spectacularly stupid when I really put my mind to it.”

Colonel Klink sighed, and said, “You realize, of course, that you’re in a secret area, beyond top secret, and that my men would have been completely justified in shooting you on sight.”

“Seriously?” Alex said.  He turned to the three soldiers, “You guys said this is the supply closet.  What kind of supply closet is beyond top secret?”

“The kind that keeps people like you from getting more number two pencils than they need,” the guard said.

Colonel Klink looked baffled for a split second before regaining his composure.

“I don’t know what that was about, and I don’t really care.  Mr. Minor,” Colonel Klink said.  “Come with me.  Mr. Evans is ready to leave now.”

“OK, fine…” Alex said.  “Later, broskis.”

The three soldiers shook their heads and went back to what they had been doing prior to Alex’s arrival.

Colonel Klink made Alex walk up the stairs in front of him.  From there, the two of them walked side by side to where Bruce was doing his pre-flight inspection of the Cessna.

“Hey Alex,” Bruce said, “Where did you get off to?”

“Supply closet.  It was weird,” Alex said.

“Oooooo-kay,” Bruce said.  “Well, are you about ready to go?  If you haven’t, now would be an excellent time to visit the head.”

“I made sure he stopped on the way over,” Colonel Klink said.  “I didn’t want him to get lost again on the way to the plane.”

“OK, cool,” Bruce said.  He closed the hood of the airplane, and said, “Thanks again for the fuel and hospitality, Colonel.  Give me a call the next time you’re out my way.”

“Any time, it’s always good to see an old friend,” Colonel Klink said.  “Maybe don’t bring this guy the next time you come this way, though.”

“Aw, ouch.  Fuck you too,” Alex said.

Colonel Klink turned around and walked away.

“Get in the plane Mr. Minor, before they decide not to let us leave,” Bruce said, quietly and more anxiously than he’d been talking to Colonel Klink.  “You do realize that they don’t look fondly on people stumbling into missile silos, don’t you?”

“I knew it!” Alex said.