Chapter Twelve Kicks Thirty Nine Kinds of Ass

Tuesday, June Fourteenth,  5:00 A.M.

Alex’s eyes didn’t really want to open.  He slowly, slowly became aware of a foul taste in his mouth.  Equally slowly, he realized that he really, really had to pee.  Barely conscious, he tried rolling over, curling up, and many other postures before waking up enough to realize that if he didn’t get out of bed right that second, there was a good chance he was going to wet the bed.

He clambered out of bed clumsily, and walked straight into a wall he hadn’t realized was there.

Right, not at home, he thought.  Where the hell am I?

He felt around for a light switch, but didn’t have any luck.  He did find another unexpected wall, but he managed to avoid walking into it with as much force as the previous one. 

Alex realized that he was very warm, and that his clothes felt exceptionally comfy.

He finally found a doorway after feeling around for a few minutes.  It was open, and he felt around on the wall just inside the doorway until he found a light switch.  The light came on, and Alex was extremely relieved to see that it was a bathroom.  A familiar one, in fact.  He was back in his hotel room.

How the hell did I get here?  He wondered.

Alex shambled into the bathroom, and relieved himself with his eyes barely open.

He was shocked awake when he was washing his hands before heading back to bed, and glanced at himself in the mirror.

Aside from the heavy bags under his eyes and glassy stair, what had shocked him was the fact that he was dressed in a fuzzy pink bunny suit.  Complete with long fuzzy bunny ears on the hood.  He looked down at himself, and noticed he was also wearing bunny slippers.  Sticking out of his chest pocket (Bunnies have chest pockets? Alex wondered) was a stuffed felt carrot.

“What the fuck?” Alex said to himself.

He stripped out of the bunny PJs, and checked himself over to make sure that there weren’t any marks from something else rotten that had happened to him.

Apart from realizing that he was wearing a pink thong with a bunny face on the front, everything else seemed to be in order.  Then he noticed the time, and realized he’d been unconscious for the majority of the day.

The excitement had all worn him out, and Alex realized he really, really wanted to go back to bed. 

He crawled back under the covers, naked, and immediately fell back to sleep.

When Alex woke up again, it was nearly two in the afternoon. 

Shit, I missed breakfast, was his first thought.  His next thought was, And I am really hungry.

Alex got out of bed, and went to put on some clothes.  He grabbed his duffle bag, and was dismayed to find that all of his clothing was now missing.  There was, at least, a fresh pair of pink bunny boxer shorts, and some pink socks.  And the rest of his stuff was there, only his clothes were gone.

He hoped that he had perhaps managed to put some of his clothes away, or left something on the floor that he could wear. 

There was nothing.  His only option was the bunny suit.

“Real cute, Tiffany,” Alex said to the room.

He considered his options.  He could call Bruce and ask him if he could borrow some of his clothes.  Bruce was a bunch smaller than Alex, though.  He’d said something to Alex along the lines of “it’s easier to lose weight than to buy a bigger airplane.”  It seemed to be one of his guiding principles; Bruce couldn’t have weighed an ounce over one hundred and fifty pounds.  Plus he was only about five foot five.  He was a little dude.

Alex suspected he wouldn’t even be able to get in to Bruce’s clothes.

He could call the front desk and explain his situation, and see if maybe they could hook him up with a personal shopper that would be willing to go buy him some clothes.  He’d be stuck hanging out in the hotel until they returned, however.  And he was ravenously hungry.  This hotel didn’t seem to have room service, either.  And with any of those options, he’d have to wear the bunny suit in order to open the door, or else answer the door in pink boxers.  Alex was fairly sure no one would want to see that.

His final option was to swallow his pride, put on the bunny suit, and go about his business like he’d deliberately decided to wear a pink bunny suit.

He glanced at the clock again, felt a rumble in his stomach, and knew what he had to do.

The upside, Alex thought once he was dressed, is that a fleece onesie is really, really comfortable.

Alex had gotten his fuzzy bunny slippers on, found his wallet and put it into a fuzzy bunny pocket, and was just about ready to leave to find something to eat and some new clothes when his phone rang.  It took him a minute to figure out where the ringing was coming from exactly, but then he spotted his phone across the room, next to the bed.  He hurried over to it, wondering if it was Tiffany calling to gloat and, with any luck, offer to give him his clothes back.

He picked his phone up off of the nightstand, and saw that it was, in fact, Bruce calling.  He answered.

“Hey Bruce,” Alex said.

“Mr. Minor, we have a perfect weather window.  We need to get to the airport right now.  Can you be ready to leave in five minutes?” Bruce said.

“Umm…” Alex said.  He looked down at himself.  “Not exactly.”

“Why not?” Bruce said, sharply.

“Two things.  One is that I’m extremely hungry.  The other is that Tiffany kidnapped me, drugged me, apparently stole all of my clothes, and left me here in a pink bunny suit,” Alex said.

Bruce paused for a minute, and then said, “Wow, so she did that to you too?  I think we’ve all been there.  Bad timing.  Look, we’ve got to fly or we’re going to have to hang out here for another week.  We’ll figure out something to eat on the way.  You’re going to have to just wear the bunny suit.”

“Wait a second,” Alex said.  “She’s done this to other people?”

“Yeah, seems to be her thing,” Bruce said.  “Are you dressed?  We’ve gotta go, Mr. Minor.”

“Yes, I’m dressed in a bunny suit with cute fuzzy pink slippers.  So how many people has she done this to?  And everyone has just accepted it?” Alex said.

“Look,” Bruce said. “You don’t start working for Mr. Darcy because you’re conventional.  I assume you’ve figured that out by now.  Some of us are a little quirkier than the others.  I assume you’ve figured that out too.  As long as the jobs get done, there’s no problem.”

“I don’t know,” Alex said.  “I think getting drugged and dressed up like a toy doll is a bit of a problem.”

“Fine,” Bruce said.  “Look, we’ve got a job to do, and in order to do it, we need to fly.  I’m on my way over to your room now.”

Bruce disconnected the phone.

Alex considered his situation.  Had the events of the last day been extremely odd?  Yes.  Had be been knocked out before and woken up confused in a different place than he had been before?  Yes.  Really, the only thing out of the ordinary for him was the bunny suit. 

Bruce knocked on the door then.

Alex took a deep breath.  He’d been in situations stranger than this.  He could cope.

He opened the door, and Bruce looked him up and down.  Without even cracking a grin, he said, “It looks to me like she’s using more comfortable bunny suits.  Mine was scratchy as hell.  Those slippers look super comfy too.  Anyway, let’s roll.  There’s a Jack in the Box on the way to the airport.  I could go for some of their tacos, and you can get whatever you want there, Mr. Minor.”

Alex shrugged, grabbed his (mostly empty) duffle bag, and followed Bruce down the hall.  They hopped on the elevator down to the parking garage.  There was a group of people waiting for the elevator as Alex and Bruce exited.  None of them laughed, or even seemed to notice the bunny suit.

Right.  Most people ignore whatever it is that seems out of the ordinary, Alex thought.  This is going to be no problem.

The trip to Jack In The Box played out the same way.  The disinterested folks at the restaurant didn’t even look at Alex.

Alex tore into his cheeseburger and fries as Bruce drove them to the airport.  He was pretty sure that he was currently eating the best meal he’d ever had.  Seconds later, he’d finished and found himself wishing he’d ordered more than he had.

When they reached the airport, Bruce led Alex to one of the hangars, where they unloaded the statue from the trunk of the car.  Bruce opened the hangar doors, looked inside, and sighed in a disappointed way.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked.

“We’re going to have to fly a Cessna 210, since the Mooney was wrecked,” Bruce said.  He sounded bitter.

Alex looked into the hangar, and saw a pristine white and red airplane with a three-bladed propeller.  It looked a whole bunch bigger than the Mooney.  He wasn’t sure what the problem was.

“Looks pretty nice to me,” Alex said.

“Sure,” Bruce said.  “It’s plenty nice if spending twenty hours or so in a minivan from the early nineteen nineties sounds like fun to you.”

Alex considered this for a moment.

“Oh, and just to make it extra special, the minivan has an extended range fuel tank that is just plopped where the back seats would normally go,” Bruce said.  “We’re basically going to be in a flying gas can, with no amenities.”

“Hmm, thanks for making sure I’m looking forward to this experience,” Alex said.

“There’s no sense in bullshitting you, Mr. Minor,” Bruce said.  “Anyway, let’s get the plane loaded up.  By the way, right now would be an excellent time to use the bathroom.”