Chapter Fourteen Has Got It All Going On

Tuesday, June Fourteenth, Around Nine O’Clock P.M. or so, tiny island standard time

When you’re surrounded by heavily armed soldiers that you seem to have irritated, time has the funniest way of slowing down.

Bruce and Alex had been staring down several jeeps full of men pointing guns at them for maybe twenty seconds before the radio came to life.  During those twenty seconds, Alex had plenty of time to remember that they were, as Bruce had put it, strapped into a flying gas can.  Alex didn’t care too much for thinking about what would happen if a fifty caliber bullet hit the auxiliary fuel tank in the cabin behind him and Bruce.  It was hard to say if the fact that the plane’s engine was still running would have an impact on the size of the fireball they made.  Alex was not eager to find out, however.

So, when someone started talking on the radio, Alex almost jumped out of the plane.

As before, he wasn’t able to understand a word of what was said on the radio, but he did understand Bruce saying “OK tower, will comply,” somewhere among all the nonsense.

The jeeps seemed to be turning around, to Alex’s surprise. 

“What the hell?” Alex said.

“They’re not going far from us, don’t worry,” Bruce said.  “I was just told to follow them from the runway to a tiedown.”

“Oh, good,” Alex said.  “I won’t worry about the soldiers leading us away from their runway, presumably because they don’t want the burning wreckage of our plane to mar their landing strip.”

“You’ve got to relax,” Bruce said.  “This is all fine.”

Alex didn’t bother to answer.  He didn’t want to spend his last precious seconds on Earth arguing with a guy who doesn’t see the problem with being met on the runway by a high caliber welcoming committee.  It was bad enough that he was probably about to get shot while wearing a pink bunny suit.  No need to make things worse by getting shot while pissed off.

They slowly caravanned along with the soldiers off of the runway and over to a paved area that was well away from everything else.

“This can’t be good,” Alex said.

“It’s just a security precaution.  They don’t want us parked next to their own fleet,” Bruce said.

“Right, because they don’t want to accidentally shoot a bunch of holes in their own aircraft while they’re lighting us up,” Alex said.

The caravan came to a stop, and one of the soldiers made it very clear that they were to shut down their engine now.

Bruce fiddled with some controls, and the airplane slowly shut down.  Alex was surprised it wasn’t just a matter of turning the key to the off position.  After having been in the air for so long, the silence was shocking. 

Alex took off his headset while Bruce flipped various switches to their “off” positions.  He had barely unbuckled his seatbelt when one of the soldiers appeared at the window next Bruce, who had just tucked his shutdown checklist back into its pocket.

“Who are you and what the hell are you doing in that plane out here?” the soldier said.  Alex couldn’t see the soldier’s name tag, but he spoke with an American accent.  Maybe they weren’t going to get shot immediately, at any rate.

He hoped they’d let him use the bathroom before shooting him.

“Well, I’m Bruce and he’s Alex.  Just out for a hundred dollar hamburger and we thought we’d drop in.  Is Colonel Klink still stationed here?” Bruce said.

“Jesus Christ, are you trying to get us killed?” Alex said under his breath.

“What? That’s his name,” Bruce said.

The soldier said nothing during this exchange.

Bruce said, “Look, uh, Sergeant Kilgore, if Colonel Klink is still here, would you just let him know that Bruce Evans has just landed.  He knows me.”

Sergeant Kilgore said, “Stay in your seat.  I’ll be back.”

“Sergeant Kilgore?  Colonel Klink?  Did you bring us to the island of misfit army men?” Alex said.

“Don’t make fun of their names, Mr. Minor.  David Klink and I go way back,” Bruce said.

“How about you and Kilgore?  Did you paint graffiti together?” Alex said.

Bruce ignored Alex.

After twenty minutes or so of staring out the window at a whole bunch of rifle muzzles, Alex said to Bruce, “Man, I hope they hurry up and decide if they’re going to let us get out of the plane soon.  I’ve been fighting off a charley horse for the last hour.”

“You’re a military guy, Mr. Minor.  Even on tiny islands in the middle of nowhere, hurry up and wait is standard operating procedure,” Bruce said.

Alex laughed, despite himself. 

Then they saw another Jeep approaching.  There appeared to be two men in it.  As it got closer, Alex recognized Sergeant Kilgore.  He assumed that the other person in the Jeep with him was Colonel Klink.

He hoped he was going to be able to address Klink without laughing.

The jeep stopped close to the airplane, and Sergeant Kilgore and presumably-Klink approached.

Presumably-Klink started shouting before he got to the window.  He didn’t stop once he’d reached the window. 

“What kind of dumb fuck gets out to this part of the ocean in a god damned Cessna 210? There’s stupid and then there’s this.  I’ve only met one person dumb enough to even try such a thing.  Fella named Evans.  Now there was a man who was so stupid that he should have had a warning label,” he said.

“Hey Klink, what’s happening?” Bruce said.

Still shouting, Colonel Klink said, “God damn it Evans, I’m amazed you were even able to find this speck of fly shit island.  I don’t know if I should salute you or report you as a threat to national security.”

Colonel Klink looked into the plane then, and said, “Who’s your friend?”

“This is Alex Minor, retired Army,” Bruce said.

“Mr. Minor,” Colonel Klink said in acknowledgment.  Then he said to Bruce, “Well I wish you’d let me know you all were coming a little sooner.  We’d have cleaned this place up.  Come on out of there and I’ll show you around.”

“Oh thank god,” Alex said under his breath.

He and Bruce got out of the Cessna.  Alex’s legs screamed at him as he stood up for the first time again in hours.

He quickly became aware of the attention he was receiving from the soldier who still had the airplane surrounded.  Alex walked around to the other side of the plane, where Colonel Klink and Bruce were shaking hands and vigorously insulting one another.

Colonel Klink turned and looked Alex up and down.  He said, “Jesus, son, you left the house in that?  You might actually be dumber than Evans here.  What were you thinking?”

Bruce chimed in and said, “Remember Tiffany?”

Colonel Klink glanced at Bruce, and then back at Alex.

“Damn, is she still doing that?  Well, that sure looks like a more comfortable suit than the one she stuffed me into…” Colonel Klink said.